Birdparty

RU Ready to Rumble?

2005-08-22T21:32:00.000-07:00

Baby murder in a pill!

RU Ready for RU-486? - w4m - 24
Reply to: anon-90432838@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-08-11, 2:48PM EDT

I'm an attractive young woman who just learned from peeing on the stick that the rabbit is dead and the doctor confirmed: I'm six weeks pregnant. I am going to be taking RU-486 soon and I am looking for a man to help me through it.

I have always heard that having an orgasm during childbirth is the best pain killer, so I feel it might help with the abortion cramps. I am currently single so I need a gentle, yet firm hand to help me.

Please write me if you are that man.

Adam, the Sex Abortionist

Adam wrote:

Hello:

fit, attractive wm.. 29, 6 ft, 185 lbs....

I would love to help you and lavish you with attention, both with my tongue and 10" cock and treat you like a princess....

But, I think we have have to try pregnant sex first, before you take the 486... Horney?

Birdparty wrote:

No, I want to have sex during the medical abortion. I've heard that a long hard cock up the ass canal makes the fetus slide out sooner. It will make it pleasurable, like taking a shit.

Adam wrote:

find anyone yet to help with this..??

I may be willing..

Birdparty wrote:

Are you willing to help with clean up and the baptism? If so, I am willing to have abortion sex. But the pregnancy is not very far along. Maybe your 10-incher can help dislodge the little life inside me.

Adam wrote:

yes i would be willing to help with the clean up- but baptism..??

I have a huge fantasy about pregnant sex! Never done it... are you really horney?

Birdparty wrote:

Of course I am horny. How do you think I got knocked up?

I am Roman Catholic and just because I am aborting my child, it does not mean I want to damn it to purgatory. I want the best life possible for my baby, and that means aborting it. I want to baptize the fetus so it can go be at Jesus's side. It is not complicated, we just need a little holy water.

Something like this, only a little messier

Adam wrote:

well, i am catholic too and I can understand that...

so, how would this work.. you would take the 486 and..?

Birdparty wrote:

Here is my idea: together we somehow get the toilet water blessed by a priest. My brother has one he has been blackmailing since childhood. Or, we fill the pot with holy water from a local church. It is incredibly important to me that my child be baptized into my faith.

Fetus baptistery

Would you assist by holding up the rosary and saying hail marys while I flush? This is no dead goldfish I am sending from my drain to the toilet drain -- rather what should be my first born if life hadn't dealt me such a hard hand.

Help me make sure my baby is up there bouncing on God's knee where it belongs -- not floating aimlessly forever in purgatory.

Adam wrote:

god, you're getting me horney. i have a ranging hard-on.

do you have a photo?

Birdparty wrote:

I have attached a recent picture. My tits are a bit larger now because of the pregnancy, though, keep in mind.

Would you mind going into a church and stealing the necessary holy water?

Adam wrote:

yes, i will help and yes, i will get holy water. there is a church near me that i don't think locks the doors at nite.

when are you interested in doing this?

Birdparty wrote:

I thought Sunday would be the most appropriate time. Are you free? And do you have some clean sheets I can borrow?

Adam wrote:

yes and yes.

Birdparty wrote:

My apartment building has old pipes and I am concerned about clogging them with the fetus flushing. We can do it at my place as long as you don't mind using the toilet plunger if things get clogged. I'm concerned about using Drano -- do you think if we put Drano in the toilet that the water would still be holy?

It's better than a wire hanger!

Adam wrote:

that's fine. So, tell me exactly what you want to happen when we get togther. what do I need to do?

Birdparty wrote:

A lot of it will be just responding to what I need. I can't say now what that will be. But the clean up, baptism, and inducing of orgasm during contractions are critical.

Adam wrote:

how am i going to induce orgasm?? my cock in your ass..?

Birdparty wrote:

I would like you to eat my pussy as the fetus is expelled. What do you think? Then you could earn your red wings.

Adam wrote:

that's definitely possible.

how about pregnant sex this evening though...?

Birdparty wrote:

Let me think about it. I'm having cramps.

Adam wrote:

I would love to knock on your door, or have you come over and pull your panties down with my teeth and slowly lick you to orgasm, before I slide my big cock in you and fuck you hard, while I play with your swollen breasts... imagine how good an orgasm would feel....

remember i have a 10" cock, really... very attractive...

Birdparty wrote:

That schlong sounds humongous. Maybe you could dislodge the fetus with your monster cock and save me the co-pay on filling the RU-486 prescription?

Adam wrote:

sure, if that's possible, i'd be willing to. if i poke around enough i might be able to get the fetus out. but it will mean i have to fuck you over and over again.

i am getting so horney just thinking about it. tell me what are you wearing now...?

Birdparty wrote:

A Mu Mu and jeans with an elastic waist.

A stylish Mu Mu for the sexy abortion queen on the go

From Russia with Birth Defects

2005-08-01T13:25:00.000-07:00

Pretty Blonde seek American Husband - w4m - 22 (Embassy Row)
Reply to: anon-85945@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-07-21, 4:26PM EDT

I am attractive, blond Slovakian. I come to US to be nanny to diplomat child, but my country no longer able to support embassy or pay for return. So I must find husband in United States. I am not prostitute!!!

I seek tall, successful man who need good wife help with cleaning, cooking with ration and enjoying romantic evening. I am good with children and would make excellent second wife.

Please, no sex perverts!

This man claims to be heterosexual

BooFooLuvr wrote:

You sound intriguing. You are a little young.....do you have a mature, refined attitude? Hopefully you have no children. Are you will to re-locate, travel, do you enjoy the outdoors?

I am a very successful owner of two franchise hotels in western Pennsylvania. I have a residence there and a getaway apartment in Bethesda, Maryland. I have no children and doubt if I want any in the future.

Greg

P.S.: you would have to be a good mother to my "little girl" BooFoo (6 year old female bichone)!

Boo Foo rides in style

Birdparty wrote:

No children but have sold eggs before to gay American couple, very fertile, like chicken.

Yes, refined, work in embassy. Also junior ice skating champion home in Slovakia. Have outfit I change to wear during day ice skating, night to discoteque! You enjoy figure skating and discoteque?

I love small dog. Very white. I brush much. Your age is how many?

BooFooLuvr wrote:

I am glad you like my dog! She is pure pleasure and a lot of fun!

I will be 44 in August.

I love to dance, enjoy dining out and bar hopping.

I also love to travel, mostly within the U.S. I visit several cities every year, for business/pleasue: NYC, Chicago and Vegas. Last March I visited the Mirival Spa near Tuscon, AZ.

Recharging at an Arizona day spa -- but where's Boo Foo?

I spend a lot of time in the country: as you notice by my picture of my Western Pennsylvania home, I have several vehicles which are used in the woods and back roads.

Fitness is also important to me; I spend approximately 1 hour in the gym most days.

Greg

P.S. -- check out the pics of my new Jeep. Boo Foo loves it!

Boo Foo likes off roading, but can't get muddy

Boo Foo checks her hair before leaving

Birdparty wrote:

Greg,

I am thin, not tall, only know height in metric system!

You like spa? I like spa. We get pedicure and manicure together, no? I like do hair too, you do hair? Then we go to discotheque in Las Vegas!

You think Katka pretty? Am ex-Czechoslovakian but we divorce unclean Czechs many years ago, become Slovakian. You like Slovak girl? My last boyfriend like to be in bed with me and boy same time - you like Slovak girl??

Love for,
Katka

BooFooLuvr wrote:

Katka,

I love Slovak girls!!

I do not like to be in bed with boys, but do like being in bed with girls, one or more at a time.

Where do you live in the area?

He's sucking it in

Greg

Birdparty wrote:

Greg, I like picture very much. You very sexy. Almost as much as Boo Foo, but not complete.

I like figure skating. You like figure skate? We get four small little skates to put Boo Foo paw so she not leave out. If you don't want new man in bed with us, which fine, how about male bichone for Boo Foo? Friend like Precious from Silence of Lamb movie. We even get lotion for basket.

You like activity in the outdoor? I need fresh air because grow up near Soviet paint factory. We ride motorcyle around with Boo Foo in basket on front -- but we have to take lotion out first so Boo Foo have room to manuever. We also get Boo Foo doggy helmet and goggles for ride safety. We take Boo Foo to vet in motorocycle basket to have worm remove.

It must be hard at time for Boo Foo to be raised by single parent, but I will love her as would with any redhead stepchild. I will love Boo Foo my own.

Love to,
Katka

BooFooLuvr wrote:

Katka,

You are a very funny girl! BooFoo loves to ride my Harley...no kidding!

I am heading to the metro right now to go to Georgetown. If you want to meet me there (you tell me where, I dont know many places) give me a call on my cell: 814-932-[deleted].

Greg

P.S. -- BooFoo and I on my old bike in 2001.

Boo Foo can't possibly enjoy riding his Harley

Birdparty wrote:

Hello Greg,

Thank you for email and for pic of Boo Foo on bike with you -- she adventurous like penguin in desert. But still, she need companion from man, as I need from you. You want to get male bichon frise -- name him Precious -- he can boo foo Boo Foo, no?

Katka not have cell phone. Battery cause cancer in brain, and after Chernobyl, I take no risk. Perhaps we meet at Zoo -- introduce Boo Foo to lion! Katka like lion like Greg like spa. When we go?

Love at,
Katka

BooFooLuvr wrote:

Hi Katka !,

I am sorry for not getting back to you sooner....I have been having computer problems...I may be available to meet with you this weekend....what is your schedule for Friday evening, Saturday afternoon or evening?

Greg

Get out of my dreams, get into my car

Jonah, the Whale and the Semen

2005-07-14T17:12:00.000-07:00

JONAH is a non-profit international organization dedicated to educating the world-wide Jewish community about the prevention, intervention, and healing of the underlying issues causing same-sex attractions. If you are confused by same-sex attractions or know someone who is and desire help, please contact us for resources and professional confidential assistance.

Birdparty wrote:

I found your group on the Web and I am so happy there are people like you out there. I need help with my homosexual affliction, but I don't really know what to do about it, so I keep going out to the bars and coming home with cute Jewish boys and swallowing their kosher loads.

I know it's wrong, but G-d, it's hot and it's fun. How can I stop myself? Are you a former homosexual? How did you defeat your gay demon?

Stop me before I spread my cheeks again!

Nimrod

Elaine wrote:

Dear Nimrod,

We're so happy you contacted JONAH. Obviously you are happy being gay (and I hope your family agrees with your decision), so JONAH is not for you. If however, you ever decide that the following facts about the homosexual lifestyle upset you (these are only a few of the many stats I could send you), give us a call, we're here to help:

40% of gay men have over 500 partners in their lifetime; 20% have over 1,000 partners (what fun!)

Gay men live a much shorter life span than heterosexual men (what the hell - who cares what old guys do?)

Only 1 out of 20 gay men wind up in permanent committed relationships (who needs a loving relationship anyway when you can get all the sex you want?)

Gay men suffer 200 - 300% more alcoholism.

Queens do love their fruity drinks

Additionally, they suffer much higher rates of drug addiction, depression, suicide, bowel cancer, leaky bowels, etc., etc., than straight guys (well, you can blame all that on society not accepting homosexuality - can't you?)

Bowels so leaky ex-boyfriends are leaking out!

BTW, if you know any nice Jewish or non-Jewish guys who are not looking forward to leading a gay life, and really would like to understand the underlying pain, fear, and anxiety that led to them feeling same-sex attractions (SSA) - please give them our number. We're here to help those who are unhappy being gay. If you enjoy being gay, gae gezindt (pun intended).

Shalom, Elaine Silodor Berk, Co-Director of JONAH

Birdparty wrote:

Elaine,

I am not sure where you got the idea that I am happy being homosexual. I am not. But I don't know what to do about it. I've tried to stop, but I keep spreading my cheeks. Those leaky bowels you mentioned? Definitely a problem that I have. Onetime it spilled out all over Bottom, my little dog. Sometimes the only thing I can get to stop the seepage is my XXL butt plug. You see how this is a vicious cycle?

Can Pat Robertson stop the leakage?

What are your methods for escaping homosexuality? I go to a Reform temple, and the rabbi there told me there is nothing wrong with my cock-seeking ways. But I know in my heart that performing analingus on goys (and even on a member of the tribe) is wrong. I just don't know what to do about it. Please help me. Tell me what I need to do. Stop me before I get another cum shot in the yarmulke!

Shalom.

Nimmy

Elaine wrote:

Nimmy,

I was talking with one of our counselors about the series of messages that passed back and forth between the two of us. The counselor suggested that I tell you that IF and WHEN you are ready to give up your clever sarcasm which is obviously attempting to mask the pain and confusion underlying your same-sex attraction, we would be ready to help you in any way we could.

Please call the JONAH Message Line and leave your name, number, and the best time to call and someone will get back to you: 201-433-3444.

If you are not interested in change, that's fine - but let's not waste our time anymore on nonsense. JONAH works with close to 1,000 Jewish men around the globe so we are very busy and need to spend our time with those who don't want to live a gay life.

I wish you the best whatever your choice, even if you choose AIDS and death.

Shalom, Elaine

Birdparty wrote:

Elaine --

You are correct about me trying to mask my pain and confusion underlying my attraction to men. I don't know how else to handle it. That's why I am contacting you. Please help. Please don't write me off. That's what my father did, and I think that may have a lot to do with my anal attractions.

Please, Elaine, I need a strong woman like you or a former homosexual to help lead me out of the depths of diva despair. I’ve tried everything, even jerking off to Dr. Laura Schlesinger’s radio show, but all I could think about was Mordechai from Hebrew school. My fantasy was to be his mohel.

Dr. Laura demonstrates how to handle a gay penis

You must understand, I have tried to leave this lifestyle before and it didn't work. I told you, I went to my rabbi, who said dropping to my knees for any boychik on the street is acceptable. But I know in my heart that it is not. Please help lead me out of this dark, dirty tunnel.

Shalom.

Nimmy.

Elaine wrote:

Nimmy,

We are here to help anyone who wants to attempt to regain their God-given heterosexuality. We believe that heterosexuality is the biologically mandated developmental pathway for every human being.

The journey is tough but rewarding. Even those who don't manage to go from gay to straight find that they learn why they feel same-sex attractions (SSA) and they usually can stop the compulsive acting-out behavior which can be so degrading.

As for needing a strong woman to help - that's not the answer. We find the main problem for our guys is their relationship with their father, and then their relationships with their male peers. Mother wounds are real, but secondary.

Read the following web site written entirely by ex-gay men: www.peoplecanchange.com and then call the JONAH Message Line and leave your name and number so my Co-Director can call you back. We can tailor a program of individual and group therapy which will work for you.

We look forward to hearing from you, Elaine

Italian Stallion or Canine Calzone?

2005-06-24T16:27:00.000-07:00

Why do Italian men think they are such great lovers?

AIM chat with ITALIAN MAN - m4w - 26
Reply to: anon-80513559@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-06-23, 1:25PM EDT

Hey, interested in good looking Italian men? My AIM name is supamonta99

ciao

Birdparty: i love italian man
supamonta99: good
supamonta99: where are u from?
Birdparty: what do you look like?
Birdparty: i like italian man with lot of moles
Birdparty: what is your mole situation?
supamonta99: i have pic u?
Birdparty: yes i have pic me
Birdparty: do u have pic u
supamonta99: yes send
Birdparty: tell me about moles first
Birdparty: how many have you?
supamonta99: i have some
supamonta99: on shoulders
Birdparty: no face on moles?
supamonta99: a couple small
supamonta99: send me pic
Birdparty: where are moles on the face?
Birdparty: how many and how big they are?
supamonta99: not big
Birdparty: i like big mole
Birdparty: for my pussy
supamonta99: my dick is bigger
Birdparty: dont care
Birdparty: i like mole in my hole
supamonta99: i have mole on dick
supamonta99: send me your pic
Birdparty: NO
Birdparty: not until i here more about the mole
supamonta99: i have some moles on face
supamonta99: and butt and shoulder
Birdparty: you send me pic
Birdparty: with mole
Birdparty: then i send you my pic
supamonta99: sent

He never said he was gay

Birdparty: not enough moles
Birdparty: can i draw on your face with magic marker?
Birdparty: to create mole
supamonta99: ok
supamonta99: send me your pic now
Birdparty: i can draw mole on you?
supamonta99: yes
supamonta99: with marker
Birdparty: can i draw smiley face on your balls?
Birdparty: with finger paints?
supamonta99: ok
supamonta99: if u like it
Birdparty: and put magic marker up your ass?
Birdparty: to paint your colon bright green?
supamonta99: maybe. first lets meet
Birdparty: no
Birdparty: you must agree to marker
Birdparty: i need man with green ass
supamonta99: ok i agree
supamonta99: do u have more pic
supamonta99: full body
Birdparty: you didnt send me full body, dago
supamonta99: ok wait
supamonta99: how old are u
Birdparty: 17
supamonta99: ok
supamonta99: done

He's short, isn't he?

Birdparty: how short are you?
supamonta99: im 5 10
Birdparty: you are lie
Birdparty: you are shorter than that
supamonta99: i never lie
Birdparty: italian are short like chinese
supamonta99: sill im 5 10
supamonta99: my mom is tall
Birdparty: chino
supamonta99: im 5 10
Birdparty: italy is like third world country
Birdparty: cant even beat ethiopa in a war
Birdparty: lose to ethiopa twice -- 1895 and world war 2
supamonta99: we lost to Albania as well
Birdparty: losers
Birdparty: my mother try to abort me
Birdparty: but it didnt work
supamonta99: oh shit
Birdparty: i only have one arm
Birdparty: and 6 toes
supamonta99: ok
Birdparty: is this problem?
supamonta99: maybe
supamonta99: u really 17?
Birdparty: yes
supamonta99: i cant do anything with u, i go to jail
Birdparty: no its legal
supamonta99: no, u are 17
Birdparty: that is legal in some state
Birdparty: what state are you in?
supamonta99: tx u?
Birdparty: it is legal in tx
Birdparty: south has lax laws
Birdparty: in south they like sex with girls young
supamonta99: oh ok
supamonta99: good
supamonta99: do u wana meet ?
Birdparty: yes
Birdparty: you have marijauna to bring?
supamonta99: not me personally
supamonta99: friends
supamonta99: do u ?
Birdparty: no
Birdparty: get some marijuana to bring
Birdparty: i smoke marijuana from the pussy
supamonta99: i will. so when do u wanna meet
supamonta99: where do u live
Birdparty: homeless shelter
supamonta99: ok
Birdparty: my parents leave me
Birdparty: after abortion failed
Birdparty: they leave me at dog pound
Birdparty: i grow up first five years in dog pound
Birdparty: then they put me in homeless shelter
supamonta99: ok
supamonta99: i like dogs
Birdparty: you understand what is dog pound?
supamonta99: doggy style?
Birdparty: you know what orphanage is?
supamonta99: yes
Birdparty: dog pound = orphanage for dogs
supamonta99: o wow.. ok
Birdparty: i grow up in dog pound
Birdparty: i grow in cage
Birdparty: eat dog food
Birdparty: drink water from bowl
supamonta99: ok
Birdparty: you like dog woman?
supamonta99: yes
Birdparty: why
supamonta99: coz i do like dogs
Birdparty: i bark during sex
Birdparty: is that problem?
supamonta99: no
Birdparty: can you bark to?
Birdparty: reminds me of when i lost the virginity
supamonta99: ok i can
supamonta99: bau bau
Birdparty: you like puppy chow?
supamonta99: whats that
Birdparty: dog food
supamonta99: some
Birdparty: what kind you like?
supamonta99: doggy style
Birdparty: no i mean dog food
Birdparty: to eat
supamonta99: all
Birdparty: i need dog food to eat to get in mood for sex
Birdparty: you eat dog food for sex?
supamonta99: no
supamonta99: only pussy
Birdparty: then we no meet
supamonta99: ok..i will eat it with u on a bowl
Birdparty: you must eat dog food
Birdparty: to put me in mood to spread pussy for you
supamonta99: ok i will
Birdparty: can i put dog food in your ass?
Birdparty: then suck it out
supamonta99: ok
Birdparty: that is what i do with schnauzer
Birdparty: as little girl
supamonta99: ok good
supamonta99: so when do u wanna meet
supamonta99: what is phone number?

Smoke crack?

2005-06-17T16:54:00.000-07:00

Reggie's got a court date and a crack rock

SMOKE CRACK?? - m4w - 21
Reply to: anon-71869176@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-05-05, 7:00PM EDT

I GOT DAT GOOD SHIT.. HOLLA (THIS ISNT FAKE)

* this is in or around PG COUNTY

Birdparty wrote:

Are you fo real? I’m jonesin for a taste.

Reggie wrote:

AS REAL AS IT GETS.WHY YOU ASKING?

Birdparty wrote:

I'd love to get together and smoke crack. What else you looking for?

Reggie wrote:

well its not cooked. u like blow? what else u wanna give? u are a woman right? send me a pic and description

Birdparty wrote:

You’re talking crack, right? I know how to make it, if you want. And yes I am a woman. I'm good company and maybe if you give me some crack, you can stick your goods in a few of mine.

Reggie wrote:

when and where do u wanna hook up?

Birdparty wrote:

Well you still haven't addressed the original topic of your ad which drew me in -- and that's the crack. Do you have any cracks or not? Ass cracks don't count, I want the real shit.

Reggie wrote:

i been told u i got uncooked. therefore i have addressed the original. i got da real shit. how do i know u aint the police

Birdparty wrote:

The police wouldn't care if you had crack or coke, they'd just arrest you either way. I on the other hand, am not interested in any of your coke. It's the rock I crave.

It used to be the other kind of rock I wanted -- a diamond ring. But since my marriage failed after Bruce turned out to be a closeted homosexual, I have turned to crack and sex. The crack makes me feel good and the sex reminds me that I am a desirable woman. I have lost several teeth in my pursuit of the rock, but this makes blow jobs much more sensual.

Hugs and kisses,
Gloria

P.S. -- I can make a tin foil crack pipe.

Reggie wrote:

u tell me when u free....and we can go from there

Birdparty wrote:

I don't have a job, so I am free when you are. I do like to watch Oprah weekday afternoons, Desperate Housewives Sunday nights and The Mclaughlin Group Sunday mornings. Can we work around these shows?

Reggie wrote:

gimmie your name and number

Birdparty wrote:

Are you a cop?

Reggie wrote:

no.fuck no.im actually in trouble with the law right now and i have a courtdate on the 31st. how are we gonna meet if i dont have your info. i go to work all day so i wanted your number so when i get off i could hit u up one day to see if u were ready for me. im not gonna press you out about it though. its on you. u either trust me or u dont.

Birdparty wrote:

Whether I trust you or not depends on what you are in trouble with the law for. Is this just a speeding ticket or are we talking something more intense?

Reggie wrote:

i got caught with my gun. im not going to keep going back and forth typing to you babes, trying to explain to you that im not a cop. remember homie, u hit me for it. if i were a real cop, i would have been had enough technology over here to track your housing information just from your emails you sent me and been locked your ass up. i only have a lil bit of shit left so im getting rid of it as we speak. im not going to reup cause i dont know what this judge is going to try and do to me.so its no point to buy more if i might be going to jail.so if u want it, u need to stop bullshitting. either yes or no. no more bs'ing. tired of typing. holla atcha boy

Birdparty wrote:

I like to freebase out of man's ass. Are you game?

Reggie wrote:

baby you sound smoking.

u still on. email me and let me know

Fart of Darkness

2005-06-06T11:48:00.000-07:00

Looking for woman to FART on my face - m4w - 28 - m4w - 28
Reply to: anon-fart@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-05-17, 5:48PM EDT

I am 28 yrs old, 5'8", 150lbs, mixed race very openminded, kinky, tend to be submissive

I am looking for woman of any age, any race and any looks who has the fantasy of farting on a guy and enjoying the fact that the guy likes her fart. I have realised that I get hard by a woman's fart. I am very orally talented and love eating both the holes. Any height and weight, just be sensual and openminded!

I am open to other experimentation. I can host or travel.

Birdparty wrote:

Are you serious? If you are for real, I might be interested.

Tom wrote:

No this is not a joke. I am for real. This is kind of fairly widespread fetish especially in Japan....

Hoping to smell your fart,
Tom

Birdparty wrote:

Hi Tom,

Thanks for your prompt response. This was my first time on Craig's list and I couldn't believe that I could find someone so quickly who complimented my own fetish so well. You see, I am a fart fetishist, but in a different way. I just really like farting.

I like the smells of my farts, the sounds, and the air. Once, I even lit them on fire, but I usually need a helper for that kind of activity as singed ass hair is not a smell as fragrant as a post-corned-beef and cabbage fart. (I call that one the "Bog Hopper" in honor of St. Patrick's Day.)

What is it that interests you about farts? Do you like the smell, the sound, or the feeling of the warm air blowing over your face? Where do you stand on queefs?

Tom wrote:

Yeah Craigslist is a great place....you usually end up finding what you are looking for....finding people into farting is not that easy though.....

I have not tried anything like putting farts on fire. But sounds fun. I would love to smell your bog Hopper!

I have heard about queefs but never experienced them, I would love to though.. Here is a link to queefing that you may find interesting:

http://www.collegesexadvice.com/queef.shtml

I really love the smell and warm air blowing across my face. Can you tell me something about yourself like your age, stats etc..it is just that it becomes easier to get comfortable with you. Actually I dont care what you look like. I will definately send my pic sometime later. I am open to meeting up in a public place.

Thanks and hoping to smell your glorious farts,
Tom

Birdparty wrote:

It's so great to hear back from you, I'd call your enthusiasm for farts a breath of fresh air if it weren't exactly the opposite! What kind of farts do you like best? The silent but deadly variety? The kind that are all sound but no smell?

I have another special fart which can only be produced by eating pickled kimchee that I purchase at Vietnamese grocery stores. I call it Agent Orange as it has occasionally worked as a defoliant and stripped the leaves from my house plants.

Like a fine and well aged wine, a fart's bouquet reveals its influences. Whether it be pinto, red or black beans, my well trained sniffer can identify where the burrito came from, and whether the salsa was mild, medium or hot. I enjoyed the recent film Sideways and I only wish that fart enthusiasts like us were as widely accepted as wine snobs.

I am not a fat woman, in fact, I am fairly attractive. But my high profile position as dog groomer to the stars requires that I maintain a low profile so I am unable at this time to send you a picture. I would prefer that we get to know each other a bit more first. As you can imagine, visiting Hollywood stars would be more reluctant to entrust their pets to a fart afficionado such as I if they knew. I once apeared in US Weekly and I am regularly recognized on the street.

So let's get to know each other. Tell me more about your fart fantasies and I'd love to see a picture if you are comfortable.

Poopdreams,
Flatulence Mistress

Tom wrote:

My Fart Mistress, thanks for getting back. I started with farts when I was 14...one of my neighbouring girls did it and I loved it. I like the silent and smelly but noisy is great too. I am not that all good at telling the food from smelling the farts but I hope you will train me well!

I did not see the movie Sideways, so what was about farts in that movie?

In case you are seeking flatulation explained:

http://www.geocities.com/southbeach/jetty/5713/farts.html

By the way farts from attractive woman turn me on the most. The kind of woman who are pretty and nobody would guess that this woman would fart - if she farts thats great for me, I get turned on like hell!

I am a bit confused about your location...where are you located? Are you in California? I am in boston....I assumed you were in Boston.

My biggest fart fantasy is being smothered by a pretty farting woman who sits on my face and farts and then I get to lick her asshole and pussy. What are your fantasies and what turns you on the most?

thanks and hope to smell you farts,
Tom

Birdparty wrote:

I am in the Boston area, Jamaica Plain specifically. I do "Lion Cuts" and I'm one of the best in the nation. Many celebrities fly their animals all the way cross-country just for one of my trimmings. You know Sugar, Liz Taylor's dog? I did her. I'm telling you though, the short-haired chihahua craze is going to be put me out of business!!

I read your fart glossary with interest and determined that I am a fart intellectual. What kind of a fart fan are you?

The film Sideways is about wine snobs, I was just wishing that our fetish could be so widely accepted as to warrant a major Hollywood film. I wouldn't be surprised if my own mid-life crisis involves farts.

I think that working together we can have a symbiotic fart relationship. Much like the bird that rides on the back of the rhino, eating bugs off of it, I will produce vile farts and you will enjoy their magnificant odor.

This sounds like it might be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Tom wrote:

That is one hot email! I am not an expert in dogs so I really dont know much about dog grooming as such. I guess you should not worry about being out of business, I bet you are one of the best, as are your farts!

In the glossary I am: Amiable: A person who loves the smell of other people's farts.

It would be great if someone made a movie about farts. I bet there is a lot of porn stuff around with farts. There is a lot on web, especially asian/Japanese stuff. In Japan you can get used panties in vending machines....I wish one could get farts...

Conveniently available at your local Japanese vending machine

Yes we could definately share a symbiotic relationship, you can ride on my face.....farting all the time. When and how did you discover your fart fetish?

Thanks and hoping to smell your fart.....
Tom

Birdparty wrote:

You seem to be very interested in Japanese culture. I am glad to hear that, as I too love hentai exploits, and I do not hold Yoko Ono against the Japanese anymore. I am especially fond of sushi, and after I eat a few rolls, my farts are so smelly and sulfuric that I call each one "Little Hiroshima."

The Japanese are very into bukkake, as I am sure you know. I propose we create a fart bukkake, with me repeatedly farting on your face after a nice big plate of beans. Now, there is a catch: sometimes, straining to fart as fast and furious as possible, a poop accidentally pops out. If I make a mess on your face, a shit bukkake if you will, would you be terribly upset?

In farts,
Your Flatulence Mistress

The mother of all farts

Tom wrote:

Flatulence Mistress,

Japanese have a great sex culture with all their fetishes - bukake, farts, schoolgirl panties etc. I would love to smell your little hiroshima! I would love to have fart bukkake, with you and may be other woman farting on my face. I am not into poop though!

I have attached my body pic. I am 28, 5'8", 150lbs and good looking. I am educated with a Master degree and work as a professional in the information technology industry.

He thought this was an appropriate picture to send?

I am open to meeting you in a public place.

thanks and looking forward to your farts,
Tom

Birdparty wrote:

I can imagine nothing more delightful than somehow being able to sell my farts via vending machine. I once stepped into an elevator that some one had cut a ripe one in and then left. The door had immediately closed, sealing in the odor. When I stepped in, the elevator was empty except for the odor. It was incredible, a fart like none other. I had to quickly glance around to make sure there wasn't explosive diarhea in there somewhere. I was travelling to the top floor of the building and nearly orgasmed from being trapped in there so long with that smell.

I look forward to experimenting with you on the fart front. Together we can sample different cuisines and the effect they have on the pungent bouquet of my gaseous emmissions.

In the same way that time of harvest, weather conditions, and a host of other influences affect the outcome of a fine wine, we'll discover together what ingredients create the perfect fart.

I love your whitey tighties. Nothing gets me hotter than a man in snug underwear, except maybe the smell of my own farts.

Tom wrote:

Do you want to meet up in public?

Birdparty wrote:

While I would be delighted to meet up in public, there is no way I would recognize you without a picture. Unless that is, you are the only man in the local starbucks in his whitey tighties. Send me a picture and then we can move on to the in person meeting. I am eager to meet you, so the sooner I get the pic, the sooner we can meet.

--Fart Mistress

ps coffee makes me gassy ;-)

Birdparty wrote:

Tom, where are you? I am incredibly gassy today and just took 2 extra strength Gas-ex. I had Pizza Hut last night. I hate to think of the farts that I have aborted, like fetuses in the womb, but they are like unwanted children in my office.

Help me create a loving home for my farts. Let's make sure every fart is a wanted one.

Birdparty got this idiot to write poetry

2005-05-30T15:18:00.000-07:00

Tortured Artist enjoys long walks on the beach

WM Seeks Ubersmart/Literate F Confident Enough to be NSA Slut
Reply to: anon-68747@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-04-12, 10:49PM EDT

Yes, this 47 WM is looking for a brilliant and literate female, any age, who has a great sex drive and is into stimulating NSA encounters. I am intelligent, professional, d- and d-free and waiting to hear from you.

Birdparty wrote:

I might be interested. Give me more details.

Bob wrote:

Thanks for writing. I'm a writer professionally and am super turned on by very intelligent females and, particularly, women who are into literature and/or are literate and culturally aware. I truly am interested in a very hot, no strings sort of situation. I believe they exist. And the idea of a brainy woman who is comfortable being a slut, as they say, with me is an absolute turn on. I'm smart and kind. 6'3", 260, dark brown hair with gray, green eyes. I'm in Park Slope. So, let me know if you wish to pursue further conversation.

Birdparty wrote:

Would you be interested in reenacting an Anais/Henry Miller/June Miller love triangle with my best friend Mindy?

Henry Miller: Tropic of Cock and Balls

Bob wrote:

While I know who Henry would be, which of you would be Anais and which would be June? Are you the artist's wife or the bored artist-turned-banker's wife? Would June support my artistic endeavors in Paris or prefer to allow me to continue to work away at them in Brooklyn? Also, would there be any of the sort of jealousy which consumed Anais-Henry-June? And do you and Mindy enjoy each other's company? Bob

Birdparty wrote:

I would be Anais and Mindy would be June. We greatly enjoy each other's company and while we would role play jealousy, I hope there is more than enough of you to go around. Do you have a picture you could send us? Mindy wants to see what you look like.

Bob wrote:

I don't have anything here, but would be glad to send a photo once I'm back at my computer at home. (Only Mindy wishes to see a photo?) Do you have photos of yourselves to share? Descriptions? Are you a writer? Mindy? Are either of you involved, other than with each other?

Birdparty wrote:

I don't have any pictures here at work either, of myself or Mindy. We are both very attractive though. We smoke heavily and that keeps the weight off. Just send the picture tonight.

Mindy is an intellectual slut. She is a groupie at the local non-chain coffee store and goes home with whoever reads their slam poetry that night, once she is tweaked on espresso. She is a total June. I once caught her trying to leave the house in a black beret and turtleneck but convinced her not to by calling her Monica and asking if she was looking to get a Gauloises shoved into her snatch.

Dildo or cigarette?

I, on the other hand, consider myself the slutty intellectual. I have read all of Anais's work, and someday if I ever have a daughter, her name will be Anais. I have plucked my eyebrows and drawn them back on just like Anais.

What about you? How are you Henry Miller? Please write in his style, and failing that, emulate Charles Bukowski.

Bob wrote:

Your email, my dear, is a howl. Really...trying to leave the house in a black beret...Gaulloises shoved into her snatch...perfect.

I can not write as Miller without effort, however, Bukowski is one of my literary idols and I try to emulate him in spirit, if not in fact. My style as a writer, though, is my own. Perhaps when we know each other a bit better, I can direct you to some of my creative nonfiction and short fiction, and you will understand what I'm talking about.

Meantime, a bit of poetry, in the style of Hank?

I sit
naked and alone in spring
at my desk

wondering
if Mindy left the house
in a black beret

or if she was too afraid
to go
because Anais told her
that a pervert
at the non-chain kaffehaus
would call her Monica
and stick Gaulloises
into her snatch

she has great legs
to frame that snatch

i light my cigarette
pour another drink
from the bottle in my drawer
hidden behind the reports
and documents
and a yellowed copy of Barely Legal

i never had sex
with
that woman

The thought crosses my mind that if this comes to pass, it would have the makings of wonderful short fiction. Maybe, it already does.

Birdparty wrote:

Oh no, it was fabulous, Bob! I was very impressed. Unlike Anais, we are not being paid by the word for our erotica, instead we are paid for our menial office work and can only find satisfaction on the side.

I'd love to hear more of your work, the more Bukowski-themed the better, and please be aware that I do not shy away from vulgarities and hope you won't either.

We all know where Bukowski's cigarette goes...

Bob wrote:

Well, fuck, then, you should have said so sooner! I certainly didn't think you would be the sort to shy away from vulgarities. Women with dirty mouths (and dirty minds) turn me on. As do women with an appreciation for sharp and gritty words. Both the ones that look the part and the ones that don't. Anais, to me at least, didn't--though it could be a function of the era.

Ah, yes, menial office work. Pays the rent. I have long made a living writing some words that I enjoy and many words that I do not. I try to make the current bastards pay for at least a week per month that I can dedicate to my own words. It allows me to do writing for which one is not well compensated. Until our inherent genius is noticed and we can, like Hank, ponder our nihilism surrounded by great creature comforts.

I'm serious about writing about this in a short fiction, or even creative non-fiction, way. It's got serious potential. Describe yourself, if you would, and would you care to share a first name?

I am attaching a photo from which you can decide that I am either (a). old and awful or (b). writerly and cute or (c). fill in the blank. I await further word and/or visuals of you and yours. I've been inspired enough, regardless, to be working on some new short fiction this evening. Bukowski themed.

Still at the beach

Birdparty wrote:

You're old and cute and writerly. How old are you again exactly? I'd love to find more of your Bukowski-themed work in my in box.

Bob wrote:

Thank you. I enjoy being old and cute and writerly, the latter two being that upon which I'd assume dwell, and the first being something about which I can do nothing but chuckle. I'm 46 (although in a pathetic attempt to conceal myself, I believe the ad and one of the emails said 47 or, even, 48. Leave it to me to age myself). Um, how old are you? And Mindy? Perhaps you'll write a bit more and share some details about who you are? Perhaps you could supply a photo so that I might experience pangs of desire unrelated to mental imagery (which is no doubt quite innacurate since I have virtually nothing with which to work)? I would be happy to deluge you with writtten work, and to direct you to spots where you could read TONS of my stuff online or even peruse my photography at some point. And, soon, direct you to the literary "sex and drugs" anthology that I'm involved in doing that should be printed soon.

As I said in my last email(s), I'd love to see a photo or, at least, get a better sense of you. I am totally devoid of detail--age, general occupation, general location--for all I know you are a well read guy in Bensonhurst named Vinnie who enjoys pretending to be Anais Nin and pimps out his girlfriend Connie as June Miller. :) Now, there's some serious kink for you.

I've been writing for a long time and have made my living as a journalist for most of that time. I write regularly for a couple of websites--both short fiction and creative nonfiction--and I'm helping to put together a "sex and drugs" literary anthology that should be published in May or June. And if I ever get time to think, I want to put together a volume of autobiographical creative nonfiction that I can assure you will be a good read.

Birdparty wrote:

I am 28 and I have a not-at-all fulfilling PR job whoring myself to my corporate masters. Mindy works as a topless cocktail waitress. We live in a one bedroom in Alphabet City and we share the same bedroom. We are very close like that.

Mindy is coming out of a deep depression and is just getting over the death of Hunter S. Thompson. It was particularly hard for her because he committed suicide, as did her favored literature professor in college. She only recently started waitressing again, and apparently her tips are down because she still has a somewhat sullen attitude with the customers. I think it would really help her spirits if you could write her some poetry that might put Hunter's death behind her and give her some closure.

Hunter S. Thompson when his head was in one piece

Bob wrote:

It was nice to hear from you. Now I know who I'm talking to. Both you and Mindy are very lovely, and I already know that you're smart and literarily substantive, so that's cool. You guys share a bedroom in a one bedroom? That's closeness. Is Mindy really working as a topless cocktail waitress? It sounds as though she would have some interesting things to write—or serve as a great character in some short fiction. Actually, as I've stated previously, my writer's instinct tells me that you'd both serve up some terrific inspiration.

I hear and feel your angst about working for corporate masters in order to make a living. There is major suckage involved in that. I've been working for a nonprofit trying to do good deeds with my words for a while, and there's a downside to all that too. I think the only way to be fulfilled, truly, is to have the wherewithal to do one's own thing. Indie. DIY. Etc.

I am swamped writing words today that leave me wonting for my nonprofit masters. However, I composed a few words for Mindy related to Dr. Thompson's passing, about which, I too was seriously depressed. Still, he was 65 and facing serious physical challenges and had contributed tremendously to our intellectual lives. He apparently had been really depressed about falling apart physically and about observing the fascist takeover of America masquerading as the Bush Administration. There are only so many times, I think, that one cares to go around the same track.

Praying for the death of Dr. Thompson

The poem is below, although if it suck or is not on target, no need to share.

We were somewhere
around Barstow
on the edge of the desert
when the drugs began to take hold.

Indeed.

She ponders these words
their meaning

The doctor gone
by his own hand
but on his own terms
the way
it should be

His legacy—
words
knowledge
wisdom
and the ability
to say

Fuck you

with a smile
and a sense of irony

She vows to smile
because
the dickheads
tip a lot better
when she smiles

They are so busy
lusting
after her tits
watching the sway of her hips
as she walks with their drinks

That they have no idea
she is a fan
of the Doctor

They do not know
what it means
to be gonzo

Because

They wouldn't know
the onset of drugs
in the desert
if this sensation came up
and bit them on their
little banker-lawyer-tourist-wannabe has been rock star brains
marinating in
Stoly

She laughs
knowingly
because

The joke is on them
The joke is on us

because

the doctor
did
it
his
way

after he'd said
most everything
he had to
say

Sooo...the poem was okay or not? Totally unrelated question--are either of you guys in New Order, playing at the Hammerstein on May 5 out of curiousity?

Birdparty wrote:

New Order the band? I have always been more of an INXS fan. When their lead singer died of autoerotic asphyxiation, it led me to try it a few times myself.

I loved your poem and printed out a copy for our fridge. Mindy is again masturbating regularly, I am pleased to report. Do you have any other sources of obscene inspiration?

Bob wrote:

Well, I am certainly glad to know that Mindy is using her fingers and any other devices of which she might be fond to bring herself erotic pleasure. Although, I must say that it beyond me that either of you should resort to autoerotic pursuits, unless it is strictly for extracurricular pleasure. I would hope that there would no shortage of nice men with talented tongues and hands and strong, capable erections interested in making sure that you are both satisfied. And that both of you, in turn, possess cunts of such tightness, wetness and warmth (not to mention mouths and talented hands) that your men are very, very satisfied.

I can write erotically for you (after clearing the decks of my own short fiction deadline tomorrow) if you provide me with some inuput as to your turnons, the positions you enjoy most, any intimate details about your respective cunts that would help, the sorts of cocks you like best (thick, long and thin, curved, etc), what you are like when you cum (quiet and trembly, loud and groany, screaming, spasming, etc.). In effect, if you can provide me with inspiration and detail, I will work hard not to disappoint you. Do you masturbate together? Masturbate each other? Have sex with each other? Share lovers? Have threesomes? I don't ask any of these questions solely for voyeuristic reasons. I am thinking of some customized obscene writing/inspiration here.

Farkuckt on the Roof

2005-05-23T14:02:00.000-07:00

Forget JDate, God's chosen people choose a free dating site

Looking to Pay a Pretty Jewish Girl - m4w - 33
Reply to: anon-72835528@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-05-11, 3:03PM EDT

Want to get paid for your time and have fun in the process? This is the best job opportunity ever. I own my own business, I am clean and a gentleman. I am Jewish but have never been with a Jewish woman.

Birdparty wrote:

Be a mensch. Try a nice Jewish girl.

Why have you been banging all these dirty shiksas? I don't even like to kiss a man who has put sausage in his mouth within the last two months.

While I'm not a "No Chupa, No Shtoopa" kinda gal, I do need details on the Jew who wants to pay me for sex. How much money are we talking? Reform, Conservative or Orthodox? What sex acts are you interested in? How observant are you? Are you into kinky stuff? I am. Tell me what you're into. Where do you live? And, why have you been banging only goy girls?

Hope to hear back from you,
Rachel

P.S. -- If you have anything even RESEMBLING a foreskin, forget it!

Jacob wrote:

Hi Rachel. I like your response. Thinking about taking your advice. I am businessman with my own company. I have attached a photo, let me know if you're interested.

J.

Dildo depot or curling iron collection?

Birdparty wrote:

What sort of business do you own? A sex shop? I notice a large collection of dildos and vibrators behind you in the picture you sent. I hope they are kosher.

Also, you did not answer any questions from my previous email. Please address all of them. And tell me how much gelt I'm getting for handling your shvantz.

Jacob wrote:

I am a partner in a research and development corporation. We bring new products to market using a proprietary technology we own (22 patents). I have a staff of engineers who do the actual inventing. I handle the marketing and international business.

I am a non-practicing Jew. An atheist to be candid (not sure if this rules me out in your eyes). I live in West Roxbury/Brookline. I can answer the gelt question only after I've seen a photo. . .

Jacob

P.S. -- The items in background of that photo are cordless curling irons.

Birdparty wrote:

Are you fucking with me, you self-hating Jew? I may be orthodox, but I know sex toys when I see one. I first used a dreidel as a clit stimulator when I was in Hebrew school -- I'm not temimesdik when it comes to dick. Do you think I'm sitting in a milk bath in a West Bank settlement?

When Hebrew school gets boring...

Jacob wrote:

Rachel,

I am not a self hating Jew. Be kind. Those are not sex toys, they are cordless curling irons. My company is at www.[deleted].com go to the hair care site if you like.

Jacob

Birdparty wrote:

Looking more closely at the vibrator and dildo collection behind you, I suppose that it is possible that they are merely curling irons. Do you ever use them as sex toys? As I told you, I first started masturbating with a dreidel in Hebrew school and since then I have penetrated myself with a menorah.

A sex toy for eight!

I am into kinky sex, but I like to keep it Judaica-themed, in deference to G-d. How Jewish-themed can you go?

Jacob wrote:

Rachel,

I like that you're kinky. Are you pulling my leg with the Judaica-Themed erotica? Would you like me to tie you up with a Talis and play Hide the Afikomen?

Jacob

Birdparty wrote:

I am not pulling your leg. Your cock maybe, but not your leg. I want your Torah in my arc. With a matzah lubricant. I love my religion and I love sex -- why should I keep the two separated?

I will tie you up so tight in that talis, and I'll tie your cock and balls up with it too just for a little Jewish CBT. I think you know where I'll hide the afikomen. Would you rather fish it out of my snatch with your tongue or schlong?

So tell me Jacob, how were you raised -- Orthodox, conservative, reform? Why did you stray? You don't believe in G-d, but do you maintain a cultural Jewish identity? Will you at least wear a yarmulke while you fuck me?

Jacob wrote:

Rachel.

Matzah lubricant?

My parents raised my to be Jewish. I went to Hebrew school but decided not to be Bar Mitzvahed. I do not believe in an external ominpotent being. I believe the Judeo-Christian God is just the lastest myth in a history of mythos (Greeks, Aztecs etc). I do understand and admire the history of the Jews and do also find some kindred familiarity with people of like culture. I do not wear a Yarmulke because it would be hypocritical.

You crack me up. If you are serious (i have my doubts) we can meet for a drink to see if there's chemistry

Jacob

Birdparty wrote:

Jacob,

I respect your position on what you term today's "Judeo-Christian God," especially the Christian part, as those Jesus freaks are worshipping a fraudulent Messiah and celebrating him with bizarre Pagan rituals. As I respect your position, I request you respect mine. And my favored position is Cowgirl. How about if I ride you while spinning driedels on your nipples? I understand why you believe it would be hypocritical for you to wear a yarmulke, and I concur, but I feel that we can make an exception for Judiaca-themed sexcapades. I dated a furvert for a while, who required me to wear a Daisy Duck costume from time to time. I was not making any sort of claim to be a duck, and I don't feel you would be falsely presenting yourself as an observant Jew if you wore a yarmulke during sex.

Duckparty for Birdparty

What I really like is for guys to pull out a moment before ejaculation and squirt their kosher spooge right into the yarmulke. During Hanukah, I like my man to put the yarmulke back on his head as we light the Menorah at dusk.

Enough about my sexual fantasies. I would love to meet you for a drink, kosher of course. Why do you suspect that I am a fraud? I assure you that I am not. I assume that you'll want to be convinced of this before we meet, so feel free to ask me anything you like so I can disabuse you of this notion that I am somehow not for real.

I know a kinky Orthodox girl is not common. And indeed I was repeatedly labeled a slut for offering oral services to the rabbi at my bat mitzvah. I know this is not common, or really even normal, but I assure you I am what I am: an observant girl whose Orthodoxy rivals only her intense sexuality.

Rachel

Jacob wrote:

Rachel,

You are cute. If you would like to meet for a drink to prove the veracity of your existence and your sexual predilections then I am game. What day is good?

Jacob

Birdparty wrote:

Jacob,

How about Wednesday or Thursday? Where are you located and where can we have this drink? I ask only that the bar serve Manischewitz wine.

Choosy Jews choose Manischewitz

What about my proposed ideas? Please address each of the following:

- Me on top spinning driedels on your nips
- Wearing a yarmulke while fucking me
- Jizzing into the yarmulke
- Placing the yarmulke back on your head after you squirt your kosher love juice into it

Are any of these outside your comfort zone? If so, why? Do you have any other suggested Jewish sex acts we could engage in? What's the kinkiest thing you can think of to do with a mezuzah?

Love,
Rachel

Jacob wrote:

Rachel,

Think of this as an opportunity to bring a Jew back into the fold (at least sexually). What I can I offer as recompense?

Wednesday evening would be fine. I live on the West Roxbury/Brookline border. I can meet you at the upscale bar up the street from my house or somewhere in Boston if you prefer.

- Me on top spinning driedels on your nips--This is fine
- Wearing a yarmulke while fucking me--Possibly
- Jizzing into the yarmulke--I prefer to cum inside of whichever orfice I am in at the time
- Placing the yarmulke back on your head after you squirt your kosher love juice into it--Not going to happen

Jacob

Birdparty wrote:

Jacob --

I am sorry to hear that you are so sexually inhibited. To be honest, it is a real turn-off for me. Why do you refuse to jizz in a yarmulke and then let me place it on your head? I think that even G-d would be skeptical of your reticence to wear a yarmulke.

If you are to place your Torah in my arc, you must make at least a few Jewsex concessions to me. What are they?

Rachel

Bill says a yarmulke is a better receptacle than a blue dress

Jacob wrote:

Rachel,

I am happy to cum on a yarmulke but am not interested in putting it on my head afterward (will you lick it clean if it goes on my head?--that might change my mind).

I would be happy to say a bracha while giving it to you from behind (I think I remember enough Hebrew), would that interest you? How would you like me to drink Manchechevitz from your sacred watering hole?

Want to bring a Jew into the embrace of a Jewess for the first time?

Jacob

A Spongeworthy PR Campaign

2005-05-02T19:03:00.000-07:00

Today Sponge

FDA Approves the Return of the Today® Sponge

April 22, 2005 -- After an 11-year hiatus, the Today® Sponge, once the most popular over-the-counter female contraceptive, has won re-approval for marketing from the Food and Drug Administration. From 1983 to 1994, when the Today® Sponge was previously available in the U.S., more than 250 million Sponges were sold. Allendale Pharmaceuticals plans to begin U.S. production immediately, and will begin national product distribution in summer

Despite its absence from store shelves for the past decade, the Today® Sponge still enjoys strong customer demand. “Daily calls and e-mails from women confirm that there is still a great need for the Today® Sponge,” said Gene Detroyer, President and CEO of Allendale Pharmaceuticals. “Women who cannot tolerate hormonal contraceptives or choose not to use them are particularly pleased by the return of the Sponge.”

Consumers wishing to track availability should email Allendale at questions@todaysponge.com.

Birdparty wrote:

Dear Sponge Manufacturers:

I read with great interest today's press release on the re-approval by the FDA of the Sponge. Though I am too young to have used the Sponge in its first run, I have seen many times the episode of "Seinfeld" where Elaine stocks up.

My regular birth control methods have failed me several times and I have the scarred uterus to prove it. I am excited to try out the sponge with my boyfriend Bob. He hopes to be a non-homosexual Sponge Bob. We are in a monogomous relationship together and share the same uncurable sexually transmitted diseases.

Where can I purchase the sponge in my area?

Thank you for your fine work,
Ms. Birdparty

The Sponge Savior

Gene Detroyer wrote:

Ms. Birdparty,
Now that we have FDA approval to sell the Sponge in the U.S. we must start building inventory to service what is clearly an incredible demand.

We expect to have it available on line at our site in 60 to 90-days. It should be available at chain drug stores in 4 to 5 months. Retail pricing should be about $2.50 to $3.00 per sponge, depending on the retailer.

I am adding you to our "Friends" list so that we keep you up to date on availability. If you know anyone else who might be interested, please tell them to email me at questions@todaysponge.com and telling me to put them on the "Friends" list. Those on the list will be the first to know when and how to get sponges.

Gene
Gene Detroyer
President & CEO
Allendale Pharmaceuticals, Inc.

Paul Moniz: Spreading the sponge word

Paul Moniz wrote:

Hi Ms. Birdparty:

I am contacting you on behalf of Allendale Pharmaceuticals, Inc, maker of the Today Sponge. Could you send me a phone number where you could reached. We'd like to speak to you about a media story we're helping Allendale with. Widmeyer is the official public relations agency that works with Allendale on the Sponge. Thanks.

Best,
Paul

Paul Moniz
Senior Counsel
Widmeyer Communications

Birdparty wrote:

Dear Mr. Moniz: I was so excited to get your email I printed it out and showed it to my boss! She agrees, The Sponge is the best. Unfortunately, I currently have a very sore throat and open sores all over my mouth and throat so I am forced to refrain from talking. Could we perhaps conduct this interview via e-mail or instant messenger?

Paul Moniz wrote:

Hope you feel better. Here's what I'd like to know. A television station is interested in interviewing former Sponge users or those interested in using the Sponge for medical reasons, i.e. they can't take hormones, or have conditions that makes other forms of birth control out of the question like cancer.

They would first be interested in speaking to you by phone. They would then consider interviewing you on camera. This is a news segment, not a commercial. You will not be compensated. However, Allendale would greatly appreciate your help.

Let me know if you'd be interested. Also, I'll need to have contact information (day and after hours) so the reporter/producer from the TV station can call you.

One final request, I noticed from your original email that you fit into this category (re:health issues.) If you could again briefly summarize why you want to use the Sponge, how old you are, and your marital status -- in an email back to me, that would be helpful. Thanks again. Look forward to hearing from you.

Best,
Paul

Paul Moniz
Senior Counsel
Widmeyer Communications

Birdparty wrote:

Hi Paul --

Thank you for your concern about my sore throat. I think it may be clearing up already, but the sores appear to be here to stay.

I have never used the Sponge, as I was sexually active but did not engage in safe sex before it was pulled off the market. I want to start using the Sponge now for a mix of personal and medical reasons. My husband and I do not use condoms, as we are in a monogamous relationship and share the same incurable sexually transmitted diseases, herpes among them. We prefer the authentic feeling of sex without a latex barrier between us, but at the same time must avoid pregnancy at all costs. While Valtrex does its part, I cannot risk giving birth to a child during an outbreak, for if my open sores touch its precious little skin, the baby would be infected with herpes for life. I have used the pill before, but it causes me to bloat up to unbelievable proportions, resulting in my husband losing interest in sex, which defeats the entire purpose of taking the pill in the first place. So as you can see, the Sponge is really my only option. I cannot wait for the Sponge to debut on the domestic market.

Given my immense enthusiasm for the Sponge's re-release, I would be more than happy to talk to any local television station about it. But given the possibilities with the miracle known as the Today Sponge, I would frankly prefer national or even international news outlets.

Thank you.

Paul Moniz wrote:

Thanks for the frank reply.

Can you tell me how old you are and also how I can reach you by phone during the day and evening. I will not give out any contact information to reporters without your approval. Thanks.

Birdparty wrote:

I am 16.

Birdparty wrote:

Paul, It's been days and I haven't heard from you in sometime and I was wondering if you are still interested in using me for this TV thing.

Paul Moniz wrote:

The television station decided to go in a different direction with their story on the Sponge. We will keep you in mind for future stories. Thanks again for your willingness to help.

Birdparty wrote:

Mr. Moniz:

I am sad they took it in a different direction. Which direction was it? Has it aired yet? If not, I'd like to catch it. Which of the local TV stations is it on?

Are you the same Paul Moniz of WCBS? I used to live in New York and I was a big fan of your work especially with yeastinfectionresource.com. It changed my life.

Your commitment to women's health is truly touching, to think that a man is so understanding of all that women have to go through, vaginally and otherwise. It almost brings a tear to my eye, and I'm not even having an outbreak. You are a true pioneer, a hero, even a demigod.

Steak with a man marinade

2005-05-16T17:11:00.000-07:00

Forget the toupee, where’s the beef?

sex after steak - m4w - 29
Reply to: anon-6359@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-04-06, 12:17AM CDT

I am about to sit down and eat a steak. It's been a really good day for me, and I'd like to top off the day with some NSA fun, at least oral sex, if not more. I'm a playful guy who likes to let my hands wander and explore, all while making sure we both have fun.

Birdparty wrote:

Can we incorporate the steak into our sexcapades? If not, I ain't interested.

Steven wrote:

Of course we can incorporate the steak into our sexcapades! That would make sex even more yummy! (sorry, bad joke I know). I can host for steak fun, but only later in the evening.

Ms. Birdparty prefers her meat bloody

Birdparty wrote:

Can I rub a raw steak all over your giant forehead, then have you fuck me with that raw slab of meat?

Steven wrote:

That would be just fine. Like I say, i'm always willing to try something new. So the steak rubbing is fine.

Birdparty wrote:

I love meat and poultry and see no reason why they cannot be incorporated into sex. I like to take chicken hearts and gizzards and shove them right up a man's ass. We would use gravy as lubricant, of course.

Jar o' pickled gizzards, a.k.a., ben wa balls

Steven wrote:

You can spank me with the steak if you want to. Shoving things up my ass sounds hot!

Birdparty wrote:

I am so glad you are open to food play. So few men are these days. Since you like to have things inserted in your ass, how about if I give you a humus enema? If there is any mess, I will clean it up with some pita bread and make a sandwich with it for my daughter.

Where's the hummus?

When can you do this? I would prefer you host, because of my daughter, but if necessary we could perhaps have some food fun while she's at school. Do you want to masturbate into her lunch box?

Steven wrote:

I'd love to host (and do some stuff in that lunchbox)! But I have to tell you that I don't let just anyone shove food up my ass until I trust them completely first. That's a sensitive area, so I need to be careful with it.

Birdparty wrote:

I like raunchy food play. The whole reason I wrote you was your mention of steaks. I am very disappointed at your reluctance to allow me to give you a hummus enema. It's kind of a deal breaker for me.

Steven wrote:

Okay-

I'll let you give me the hummus enema, but I get to fuck you with a cucumber, and slide it in and out of your cunt until I'm satisfied you've had enough.

Birdparty wrote:

I love cuCUMbers, and you may ream me with one, but you must use the special one I grew in my "garden." I've attached a picture of myself with it.

Forget the glasses, cucumbers are better for bags under the eyes!

Since you get to put a cumumber into me, I get to have some fun too. I want to put pepperoni slices over your eyes, blinding you, and then apply peanut butter and grape jelly to your bald head. Then I want you to take that PB&J dome of yours and rub it all over my microwave oven.

When is your availability?

Peanut butter and jelly on white bread

Steven wrote:

I love your food ideas! You are one kinky and culinary girl! And your pic with the cucumber is hotter than green curry at a Thai restaurant (a possible anal lube?).

I'm usually free late in the evenings, or on the weekends. My place really isn't the best for hosting... so hopefully you have a place we can go.

If you didn't already find Birdparty disturbing...

2005-05-10T23:59:00.000-07:00

George Costanza daddy seeks daughter

daddy daughter sex anyone? - m4w - 37
Reply to: anon-67898519@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-04-11, 9:48AM CDT

has thinking about daddy daughter sex really turning you on?im a 37 yr man who is looking for my young daughter so daddy can have his way with her.If interested in this type of scenerio contact me with info on how to contact you and a pic would be nice .Ill see you soon honey DADDY

Birdparty wrote:

I've been a good girl and I think I deserve a nice lollipop to suck for my efforts. Tell me more about what you had in mind.

eddy wrote:

hi baby girl daddy has missed you,daddy has a big lollipop for you to suck on if you are good girl today.Daddy cant wait until we get together.Daddy wants to give his litter girl a bath and wash all her dirty little spots that she misses when she bathes herself.Daddy wants to help his baby girl dress up in those naughty little outfits she has too.Can you send daddy a picture with your clothes off honey?After a long day daddy wants to tuck you into bed and then when your almost asleep daddy will climb in bed next to you and rub on your titties and sweet pussy,and you will say oh daddy ive missed you so much and i will bring your hand towards my cock and ask you to rub it for daddy.Now your pussy is so wet as you beg daddy to slide his cock into you just like youve always wanted daddy to do.............

Birdparty wrote:

Hi Daddy. I got very wet just reading your response. Yes, there were some special juices flowing from my privates, but most of the wetness resulted from me making in my pants. Can daddy change my diapers? I know I have to be disciplined for peeing my pants, I just ask that this time you take the rhinestones off your belt.

My real daddy died when he was 37. We had a lot of fun together before he was flung to his death from a roller coaster in Saudi Arabia. Maybe you and I could reenact some of the fun I used to have with my real daddy.

eddy wrote:

hi baby girl daddy is upset that you peed in your pants and will have to spank you before he changes your diaper,daddy will have to stick his cock in your peehole for being bad.Daddy is 37 now and is 5ft56 and 235 he doesnt have a pic right now but my other daughter that i used to play with says i look like george kastanza from seinfeld,Did you ever watch that?

Any young girl's dream

Daddy will take the rdinestones off his belt this time but you have to promise me that youll be a good girl from now on precious.Maybe daddy can stop by tonight to tuck you in ,would you like that hun?Daddy cant wait to taste your sweet juices like he used to baby girl.

Birdparty wrote:

I would like daddy to tuck me in tonight. I appreciate the George Costanza visual. Seinfeld went off the air when I was very little, but sometimes I catch it in syndication. I like bald men who are a little pudgy, because my real daddy was. Sometimes he used to rub his bald head on my boobies, but that was before they were very developed. Now they are bigger. Will you rub your head on them?

Will you play hide and seek with me? My real daddy liked to hide jolly ranchers from me and then I'd have to find them. Usually they were nestled under his balls. A few times he put them in my private place. The cinnamon-flavored ones added a nice kick! Onetime daddy ate one directly from my privates. I bet it tasted good...

A very disturbing hide and seek

eddy wrote:

yes baby girl we can play hide and seek.I will bring the jolly ranchers and hide them but i wont tell you where youll have to find them.well hun im 5ft6 and yes balding actually i just got a cruecut two days ago im 235lbs and youll have to wait and see how big my cock is hun and daddy cant wait to rub his head on your titties and your sweet pussy...I really dont have pic. maybe daddys little girl can take some of me

Birdparty wrote:

Hi Daddy! When can you get together? And where are you located? It will be hard to do it at my house without my mom or my bratty little brother finding out. But we may be able to go down to the laundry room and have some fun with the washer on spin cycle. We could snuggle in Bounce fabric softener as you bounce me on your knee. Will you take me shopping? If I am a good girl I think daddy should buy me some slutty clothes. I like to wear super-short cut-off jeans. My mom yells at me saying I look like a whore and that's why daddy couldn't keep his hands off me before he died. But I like them because they make all the boys look at me.

eddy wrote:

hi baby girl daddy now lives in oak lawn and cant wait to see his little girl,where do you live now princess,yes we will sneak to the laundry room for some daddy daughter fun.when do you want to meet daddy ?Daddy would love to take you shopping for some slutty clothes and some cute undies.I cant wait, how old are you now hun?and what size undies do you wear maybe ill go to the adult store and pick you up a naughty pair
luv Daddy

Birdparty wrote:

Hi Daddy! I was so glad to hear back from you. I live in Aurora. How long will it take you to get here? My real daddy took my virginity when I was about eight or nine, so my hyman is no longer intact. But he never put more than a few fingers in my bottom. He said he was going to save until I was in 10th grade. I am in my second year in a row of 10th grade, so now is the perfect time for my new daddy to honor the dead one by putting his pee pee in my bottom. Buy me real slutty clothes and I will surrender my behyman to you. I just hope I don't tear up at the thought of my real daddy.

Are you good at math? I am having real trouble in math class and my mother never made it out of middle school. Can you help with my homework, as a father should? You could even jizz on it before I hand it in to Mrs. Tselom, my cunty algebra teacher with a bad wig.

Also, do you smoke? Sometimes I steal my mom's GPCs, but if she finds out she throws cans of Milwaukee's Best at me.

You've come a long way, baby

If you really love me, daddy, you could bring me a pack of Marlboro Reds. I used to steal those from my mom's boyfriend until he left her for a woman whose daughter has bigger boobs than I do.

eddy wrote:

hibaby girl give me your address so i can mapquest it so i can find your house in aurora.Im not to familiar with that area ,ive only been there a couple of times.Ill bring you the smokes ,but baby they are bad for you.How old are you now baby girl,I know you said second year of 10th grade buthow old does that make you?Ill help you with your algebra too,and what size panties so i can bring you a surprise

hey baby girl that would be great if we can get together on friday,ill be free most of the day see ya soon daddy and does baby girl have any naked pics for daddy?If not well take some fri maybe
luvDADDY

Birdparty wrote:

Hi Daddy -- I am 15. But I am very mature for my age and my boobs are very developed. I like for boys to bounce them and suck on them, just like my daddy used to. Plus my snatch gets very wet. Are you loud when you have sex? I fuck very quietly -- my real daddy always demanded that because he didn't want mom to hear. So even today I don't make much noise. If we have sex in the laundry room, we will probably need to keep it down (unless the dryer is going) so my mom doesn't hear.

I know cigarettes are bad for you, but I like to smoke because it makes me feel like an adult. I like to smoke naked in my backyard while I finger my pussy real good, just like my daddy used to. Sometimes I put peanut butter on my cunt and have our pit bill, Snarls, lick it off. He is very good at it but I am sure you can do a better job.

Snarls knows how to lick

I will give you the exact address where l live after we make specific plans to get together. I live near the Breazeale Trailer Park on Rural Street in Aurora.

Are you interested in anal at all? I've never had it, and my daddy always said he would do it to me, but now that's he gone I want my new daddy to try it out.

eddy wrote:

hi baby girl daddy will lick your pussy much better than that dog will and i am gonna stick my cock in your ass just like you want me too.I could probably meet you at about noon on friday if its ok with you hun.

Birdparty wrote:

Hi Daddy! I am glad that my daddy is here to cuddle me in his arms. I have never had anal before so it might take some effort on both our parts to make it work, but I think we can create an everlasting father-daughter anal bond. Can I sprinkle some GoldBond medicated powder on your cock, to ensure safe sex, before we start the anal exploration?

eddy wrote:

hi baby girl daddy has never had anal sex before either hun so it will be a first time experience for both of us.Daddy will be gentle for his daughters first time.Daddy wants to rub lotion all over his little girls body and feel all her bumps curves and holes.Daddy wants his baby girl to swallow daddys load too .You probably cant wait to feel his hot cum dripppping down your face when he explodes,can you precious?daddy also wants to see you in a short skirt wearing a thong underneath for easy access,so daddy can slide his fingers underneath and feel your cunt.

Birdparty wrote:

Hi Daddy -- I have some bad news. My little brother Ray Ray broke into my email and read our emails. Now the little fucker is threatening to tell my mother. I beat the shit out of him, and he promised not to tell if we let him watch. I know it sounds weird, but I really can't have my mom find out. Plus we always thought Ray Ray was a fag anyway, so maybe this will make him realize that dicks go in pussies, not asses. But, in keeping with that lesson for him, I think we might have to hold off on the anal for now.

eddy wrote:

Hi baby girl its ok with me if its gonna keep you out of trouble.Will you be ok with him watching me pound your pussy with my hard cock and sucking on your titties or will he say he also wants to fuck you too or play with you or something? We’ll do the ass fucking some other time then when hes not around ok?I really cannot wait to see you naked.Can your brother take some nude pics so you can send me?or some not naked of your whole body i want to see your ass and titties and your sweet snatch.

Birdparty wrote:

Daddy, I don't know if Ray Ray will want to join in the fun or just watch. I never asked him. Like I said before, we have long held suspicions that Ray Ray is one of those queers. Maybe you could teach him to be straight? He's only 11, but he gets boners; I saw it once when he was watching wrasslin on TV. Also once I found a copy of Black Inches, a magazine for fags, under his bed. Anyway, would you be willing to help him learn to be straight by fucking me? He says he's not queer, but I am not sure so.

Ray Ray's favorite: Black Inches

eddy wrote:

yes i can help him fuck you and your tits too. when are we gonna do this baby girl?

tomorrow is good with me baby girl.Also baby girl just for legal reasons i need to know that you are at least eighteen for real so we can continue our father daughter sexual encounter.Then of course you can pretend to be my 15 year old daughter that daddy misses and wants so much,maybe you can take some pictures of daddy for yourself to keep so you can always look at them when you are horny and missing me my precious little daughter.Ill even pick up the smokes for you even though i dont approve of my daughter smoking at the age of 15.Daddy cant wait until we are together hun.

Birdparty wrote:

Hi Daddy --

I am 15, not 18. I will be 16 in less than a year if that helps. As for legal issues, you don't have to worry. I'm not gonna tell the cops or anything. I just need a daddy to help me out and love me like my real daddy did before he died tragically in a Saudi Arabian amusement park. Also can you still help me try to de-gay my brother? I hope so daddy. And seriously, don't worry about the laws.

eddy wrote:

I cant wait to take the place of your daddy hun.What was he doing in saudi anyway?how long ago did you lose him baby girl?Im so sorry for your loss.I will love you just as much as he did princess.When did you want to meet?And you are very bad for going on craigs list you are supposed to be at least eighteen to answer the ads didnt you know that?Can i have your phone number so i can call you and hear my daughters voice.

Birdparty wrote:

Hi Daddy! I am so excited I can barely contain myself! My daddy was in Saudi Arabia because he was in the military, fighting those people who wear things on top of their heads.

I can't give you a phone number right now -- my mom is here and she will listen on the other line. But I can probably call you collect late tonight.

eddy wrote:

how old is mom maybe we can hook up and i could be your real stepfather. wouldnt that be cool ?email me back later and maybe we can talk on phone baby girl

Birdparty wrote:

My mom is 29. But I don't know if you'd like her. She is fat and ugly. But since you are considering becoming my stepfather, could you give me some information about you?

eddy wrote:

hi baby girl lets meet tomorrow and well go out to lunch and talk and ill tell you everthing you want to know.hows 12 noon for lunch whats restaurants are around you? Is mom hot looking?it could work out between us and id be around to help u with homework and stuff.

Birdparty wrote:

I have a test tomorrow in English class so I am not sure I will be able to meet you for lunch. I skip school a lot but this is a big test so I cannot miss it. But I can check email occasionally from the library.

What about Ray Ray? Do you still want to help me de-gay him?

eddy wrote:

why dont you just take him into the laundry room and de-gay him yourslef?I dont think hed resist his sister if you just started like kissin on him and stuff.How bout the idea about your mom?

what time do you get out of school tomorrow hun? how about after school tomorrow can we meet and stop for a late lunch and maybe ill take you out shopping too.

Birdparty wrote:

My mom found the emails -- all because you refused to help me out with my brother, you bastard.

eddy wrote:

ill show junior how to fuck you good baby

Birdparty wrote:

My mother called the police.

Rodnita: Round Three

2005-05-08T16:52:00.000-07:00

Meet Rodnita. He has made death threats, hurled racial epithets and is a generally vicious, stupid and desperate man. After Birdparty's first and second encounters with Rodnita, it was time for round three.

Spicy Latina Looking for Hairy Tuna Taco Eater
Reply to: anon-69586889@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-04-21, 10:50PM EDT

Hola, I am a spicy Latina looking for a man for some fun. I am 24 years old, pretty and voluptuous. I am looking for a fun guy for some spicy fun and maybe more.

Rodnita wrote:

Hello,
My name is Charles. I wanted to let you know that I really liked your posting on Craigslist.org and I think you would enjoy my company alot.

I am a Single Professional White Male, Brown hair, Blue eyes, about 5ft10 and 185 lbs muscular average build. I am told i have a nice ass and i am also well endowed and thick.

I think i fit your description of someone looking for fun. I do enjoy giving lots of pleasure orally and love a woman that likes to orgasm alot. I think You will love my very talented tongue and its unique soft gentle touch that will not quit until you say so..

Write soon!

Send me some pics if you would, please??

Birdparty wrote:

To better acquaint ourselves, we need to learn more about each other. I'm a spicy Latina who enjoys working on my '88 Toyota Corolla on weekends and getting my nails done. My last boyfriend liked to work on my car too, even installing a rear spoiler, flashy lights, spinning hubcabs, purple racing stripes and all kinds of stuff. But he wouldn't work on our sex life. If he put as much effort into muff diving as he did that car, I'd be on permanent siesta. The problem is that these machismo Latino men don't believe in oral -- and that, I cannot abide. So, I'm looking online for someone to snack on my fish taco.

While I seek sex, I as well want to make sure I have found the right person. I won't spread my labia lips for just any man. Can you tell me a little bit more about yourself? How old are you? What do you do for a living? Where do you live? What kind of relationship do you seek? Please answer my questions and provide any other information you think is pertinent.

I hope to hear from you soon,
Guadalupe

Rodnita wrote:

I would love to see some pics of you for starters, if that is okay with you... Lips, labia.... Damn girl, are you trying make me drown in my own saliva thinking about you??

Birdparty wrote:

I was so glad to get your response, but saddened that you did not address any of my questions. Please tell me a little about you and then we'll see if we can work something out. Feel free to ask me anything you'd like to know. I am a very open woman, in more ways than one.

Rodnita wrote:

Did i mention my Birthday was this coming Tuesday the 26th?? I would do almost anything to have a delicious wet and creamy set of lips dripping over my face as my special lady straddled for the ride of her life.... YOU????

Heres a preview......

Rodnita wears bright red lipstick

Birdparty wrote:

You have been ignoring all my questions about you. I want to get out of my apartment (it's a two bedroom with 14 of my family members living in it, some of them MS-13 members) to see you, but I am not going to do that when I don't know anything about you . I hope you are serious and this isn't just an email catcall -- I get enough real ones from the Salvadorans in my apartment complex.

Rodnita wrote:

I am so sorry it took a while to get to you with all your Questions. I hope after all is said and done i qualify yo be a lucky man to have you spend some sensual times with me and build a friendship, relationship together. I would really like to see you this Tuesday evening or sometime soon to spend my Birthday with a special person named Guadalupe...

Answers to your Questions:

Can you tell me a little bit more about yourself?

I am a 37 yr old Single Professional White Male. I am 5ft10, 185 lbs, average nice muscular build. I have short brown hair and am clean cut. My Blue eyes seem to be the best feature when you first look at Me. I am very Romantic, a little lonely and am definately seeking a new partner to be a Friend, Lover and Companion.

I enjoy going to sports events, such as Baseball, Hockey, Basketball and Football. I enjoy the ocassional bike ride, trying my best at tennis or other physical activities outdoors too! I enjoy the Theatre and Shows also. I love fine dining and enjoy all kinds of ethnic foods. I would say Indian and Thai are on the top of the list. I enjoy quiet evenings taking in a Blockbuster night taking in a movie and sharing intimate times exchanging sensual massages, kisses and intense pleasure. Sitting by the fire roasting Marshmellows and ourselves too!!

I love to do Landscaping, Gardening and Beautifying My yard here at home. I enjoy a nice long quiet day hanging out by the poolside in the backyard and taking in a good afternoon of sun and serenity. Listening to the birds singing too. I enjoy spending time with My cute little Maltese dogs going on walks or visiting parks on occasion.

Notice the fashionable jean shorts

I would love to spend some time with a counterpart taking weekend getaways to Atlantic City having fun in the Casino or our room. I enjoy taking romantic walks on the Sandy Beaches in the Carribean Islands or Mexican Riviera.

I am not your Typical Guy, because I really enjoy giving the most of every minute pleasing my friend/partner at whatever we are doing together.

How old are you?

37 yrs old

What do you do for a living?

I work for a local telephone company doing maitainance and repair and installation of our copper and fiber optics facilities

Where do you live?

ROCKVILLE, MARYLAND

What kind of relationship do you seek?

I would loike a friend, companion and lover all in one and see where it leads to..

Could you answer all of the same questions for me and send me a couple better pics of yourself, or if i am too old for you or don't qualify to be your personal "Hairy Tuna Taco Eater", i guess you will be knid enough to tell me...

Birdparty wrote:

Thank you for finally answering all my questions and for sending pics. I liked your pics, especially the one with the dogs. You are a very good-looking man. You know, I am a big fan of Rod Stewart. I think part of the reason I find you so attractive is that you look like a transgendered version of Rod Stewart. Would mind if I screamed "RODNITA! RODNITA!" in ecstasy as you dine on my hairy tuna taco?

Rodnita wrote:

Sure when would you like to get together and start screamin screamin screamin.......

Birdparty wrote:

Rodnita --

I am probably free to start the screaming later this week. I have always longed for a transsexual Rod Stewart to get between my legs and go to town. I think that Rod Stewart is such a beautiful man, and you are such a beautiful man/woman combination of Rod Stewart -- my own personal Rodnita! I am bisexual so it will be perfect!

Love,
Guadalupe

P.S. -- Have you started hormone treatments yet?

Rodnita wrote:

Your sorry ass Rod Stewart joke is getting pretty old, don't you think?? What are you about 14 or 15 yrs old?? Ever consider growing up for a minute and getting serious?? You tell me where you want to meet and we'll meet there.. It would be highly recommended that you pick the spot.. and the time... I will need a current picture of you so i know who to look for..

Birdparty wrote:

Rodnita -- Some folks get real uppity just because they start hormone treatments. Do I need to bring the Tranny Roadshow to your house to straighten things out?

P.S. -- Did you get my belated birthday card?

Birthday cheer, to Rodnita from Birdparty

Rodnita wrote:

I am going to politely ask you to refrain from sending me anymore emails. This one and the other email addresses i have on file will be forwarded to my friend at the intelligence agency that will take care of this once and for all.....

Birdparty wrote:

Rodnita, I am glad you have a friend at "the intelligence agency" -- perhaps he could lend some of their intelligence to you?

Three-course meal

2005-04-27T20:31:00.000-07:00

Poopman Jack

drink my piss while I sit on the toilet taking a dump - m4m
Reply to: anon-65520315@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-03-26, 6:54AM PST

want to drink my piss
and suck me off
and I'll chase the cum
with more piss
while you jack off
with the taste of my
cum and piss
in your mouth?
while I'm on the toilet
taking a shit?
I'm raunchy top
5'9" 170 u/c neg
lkg for lean
urinal/cocksucker/toilet...
pix/stats/into?

Birdparty wrote:

Are you serious? Because if so I am DEFINTELY interested.

Jack wrote:

hey ew...love to have you on your knees with my cock in your mouth while I piss in your mouth and then you suck me off while I sit on the toilet taking a shit...in west hollywood can host or travel early mornings for shit anytime for piss...piss shit fuck suck jo massage kinky fantasies porn weed?.....hit me back with your pix/stats/what you are looking to get into and let's see what we can set up asap...jack

Birdparty wrote:

What I really want is to suck you off while you take a dump. I can't explain it, but something about watching a GIANT shit come out of your asshole while I take you all the way really turns me on. I want you to shit a load while your whole cock is down my throat, maybe even splattering me with some dingleberries. Can you provide this service to me?

Jack wrote:

available early am?...I take a shit about 8-9am....west hollywood like kings rd/smb near gelsons...you come in strip get on your knees and suck me off while I take a dump and you jack off while I'm dumping and pumping my load into your mouth...then you leave...jack

p.s. i can shit in a heart shape for you and i got pics to prove it.

Jack sends his poop love

Birdparty wrote:

Can you describe your turds to me? Smell, color, texture, length, duration of poop time, etc. I love to watch it slide out as I provide oral satisfaction to a man. But I am very particular about poop, so please go into as much detail as possible about your feces. Do you have a lot of dingleberries and does it splatter? I wouldn't be opposed to having some shit specks splash onto my chin.

Jack wrote:

hey ew...see attached...I'm very regular so I don't get a big backup that I have to strain to shit out and my shit starts outhard and maybe 3/4 of an inch wide and tends to get narrower and softer...tends to come out in one big long turd but still i can provide the splatter effect you are looking for...jack

Crabs are negotiable

2005-04-26T00:05:00.000-07:00

Can crabs surive in snow?

$1000 TO CUM INSIDE YOU TONIGHT - m4w - 35
Reply to: anon-69721734@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-04-22, 4:49PM EDT

No games. I am totally serious. Will donate $1000 if I can cum inside you with no protection. Can meet wherever is convenient for you.

We meet, have quick, hot, raw sex (will literally take about 10 seconds)...then we go our seperate ways.

Birdparty wrote:

I have crabs, so I'll do it for $500.

Brad wrote:

Are you really serious…or is that a joke?

Birdparty wrote:

I am completely serious.

I do not have the money for the Lindane genital shampoo needed for the treatment of crabs, thus I seek sex with you for $500, which will more than cover the cost of the prescription. I tried over-the-counter Permethrin cream, but it didn't work, so I need the prescription shampoo.

So you see, I do not have the money for the shampoo until I have sex with you, but I will not be crab-free until I get the shampoo, which requires funding from having sex with you. It's quite a catch-22.

Brad wrote:

are you on birth control? how old are you?

Birdparty wrote:

I am 22 and I am on the pill. I didn't realize the pill only works for pregnancy -- that's how I got these goddamn crabs in the first place.

Are you seriously interested or just fucking around? When can you do this?

Brad wrote:

I am very serious about this. Where do you live around here?

Birdparty wrote:

If you are ready to do this, I think I am too. Basically you just want to fuck my crabcunt without condom, and you say you'll come within about 10 seconds? That is certainly worth the money. Where can we do this? I cannot host.

Brad wrote:

I am getting the feeling this is a game...who calls it a "crab cunt"?

Birdparty wrote:

I have crabs -- I told you that at the start. I am for real. If you are afraid of my crabs, then just say so and stop wasting my time.

Brad wrote:

The crabs aren't a problem. I can either get a hotel room, or we can do this in my car. Do you have a cell phone?

Birdparty wrote:

Hotel or car works for me.

Also, before we do this, I should tell you, I started having a puss-like discharge last night. I'm sure it's nothing, I just wanted to tell you now so you won't be surprised. I hope this doesn't change your mind. If it does, what if we knock the price down to $300?

Brad wrote:

$300 is a bargain. Give me your phone number and we’ll work out the details.

Smoke between your thighs

2005-04-21T13:46:00.000-07:00

Is this a Glamour Shot?

I want to date a smoker.... - m4w - 31
Reply to: anon-67297870@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-04-13, 9:07AM CDT

Contrary to the rest of the world, I love women who smoke cigarettes. The style, the smell, the look --- it all drives me wild. If there are any women out there who are interested in exporing the "Smoking Fetish", please email me.

Birdparty wrote:

I smoke cigarettes, and out of more than one orifice.

Smokey Bear wrote:

Well that is certainly unique!

Birdparty wrote:

So what do you like about a smoking woman? Do you prefer any particular kind of cigs? What's your poison?

Smokey Bear wrote:

to me, the sexiest part is watching a woman who ENJOYS her cigarette -- if she does, it seems that all the other intricacies take care of themsleves (drag style, exhale, holding, etc.)

as for brand, i think Virginia Slims are sexy, but others can be as well

Vagina Slimes

as for my fetish, it can be as simple as watching a woman smoking while driving, putting on makeup, etc. to the sexual side - smokey kisses, blow jobs, etc.

have you encountered this fetish before? and are you serious about the orifice thing? when did you learn that one?

Birdparty wrote:

I don't know if I have encountered a smoking fetish before or not. I have dated smokers, and I don't know if that qualifies as a fetish. I have also inserted lit cigars into my vagina and up my ex-boyfriend's bunghole in the late 1990s (Bill/Monica-inspired, of course).

Bottoms up!

I can smoke a cigarette through my vagina. No joke. I learned it during the cigarette play with my ex. I am 100% serious. I can literally draw cigarette smoke in through my vagina, hold it up there for a while, then vaginally exhale. Would you like to eat my pussy after it smokes a few cigarettes?

Smokey Bear wrote:

well it sound slike you have stumbled upon the fetish without even knowing it!

and the answer to your question is a definate yes!

Birdparty wrote:

I am so glad you want to eat my pussy while I blow smoke onto your face. It is such an exhilarating feeling. Tell me your ideas of how to incorporate cigarettes into sex.

Smokey Bear wrote:

Incorporating with sex -- where to begin --- i have so many ideas. I will say that i have never eaten a smoking pussy but i cannot wait to do it with you --- i am hard just thinking about it.

Incorpoartion ideas:

1) Eating you out while you smoke with your pussy
2) Eating you out while you smoke with your mouth
3) You giving me a blowjob while smoking
4) Smoking while having sex
5) Blowing smoke all over me
6) Anything else we can think of!

And, of course, i can smoke as well if you like and do much of the same to you

what do ya think?

heres another pic.

Smokey isn't a hairy bear

Birdparty wrote:

Have you ever used a gravity bong? It is something that people use when smoking marijuana but it allows you to get approximately two liters of smoke into your lungs. I typically have one in the trunk of my car and today is no exception. What would you say to taking the biggest hit you have ever experienced, and then blowing it into my snatch?

I occassionally wear the patch and chew nicotine gum, just for an added nicotine boost during the day, and I plan on utilizing these during our encounter for an added nic-hit.

Let gravity do all the work!

Smokey Bear wrote:

yes, i have used a gravity bong -- pretty cool

i think your suggestion is fantastic -- i still can't quite believe all this is for real

when would be good for you?

Birdparty wrote:

I am free this weekend on Sunday morning while my family is at Church and I have the place to myself.

Have you ever used a hookah? I'd like to take a puff off one mouthpiece while you have another shoved up your ass and the third in my cunt.

Hookah: the ultimate sex toy

Smokey Bear wrote:

well I have determined that your imagination is way cooler than mine, so we'll let you come up with the ideas -- i've liked them all so far.

yeah, Sunday morning would work ok for me

Birdparty wrote:

Would you let me put a lit cigarette up your ass? I can teach you to smoke through your colon.

Smokey Bear wrote:

sweetie, i have a feeling that i'm going to let you do anything you want to me!

here's one -- you wear a strap on and i blow smoke all over your tits, pussy and my cock.

am i getting better?

Birdparty wrote:

I ended up at work late last night. I spent most of the day at the dermatologist having a tattoo lasered off.

My Eastern European ex-boyfriend, Lanal, insisted we get our names tattoed on each other. The lasering was extremely painful and during yesterday's visit I could only manage to get the L removed, thus leaving me with Anal Forever on my left tit. I've been wearing high cut shirts but nevertheless I am up for a promotion soon and I am doing everything to ensure I get it.

But that is neither here nor there. I had a lot of time to think and the one thing that got me the hottest was the gravity bong. Are you marijuana friendly? If so, I was thinking instead of a gravity bong hit into your mouth, we could put it directly into your ass. Just put the mouthpiece in and then you sit down into the bucket, forcing your intestines full of lovely THC. I have heard that it is more effective when administered that way. It goes directly into your bloodstream and gets you that much more high. It is the same concept as an alcohol enema, if you are familiar.

Let me know what you think. I would of course be willing to try this idea out as well, perhaps with my snatch.

Smokey Bear wrote:

yes, i am 420 friendly, but that sounds pretty extreme. truthfully, though, for you, i'd do it. but how will i get it in?

i definately want to get together, but tomorrow morning will not work for me afterall (family stuff) --- are you available any evenings?

btw, pretty damn funny about that tatoo! hope it's healing ok and not too painful

smokey kisses

Birdparty wrote:

I know it sounds extreme, but once you have an ass full of pot smoke, you'll know that it's well worth it. I like to affix the bong to my snatch, suck up as much smoke as I can, hold it for a while, and then vaginally exhale. Sometimes I can even blow smoke rings out of my pussy. It is so hot.

Vaginal smoke rings

Would you like me to blow a ring in your face while you go down on me?

Smokey Bear wrote:

hey baby-

i gotta say -- i feel like i have met my match --- i didn't think their was anyone who was as fascinated by smoke as me!

as for getting together, evenings are generally the best (either my place or yours)

give me a buzz on my cell and we can set things up! can't wait to meet you and play :)

312 [deleted]

Brotherly Love

2005-04-19T20:28:00.000-07:00

This sicko trades Craigslist sex emails with his brother

Looking for my anal Daddy'$ girl
Reply to: anon-68163365@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-04-12, 7:33PM EDT

Hung, good looking, athletic, dominant male wants to bend a girl in pig-tails over the end of his couch and fuck her in the ass with her panties around her ankles and her skirt lifted up. Ideally, Daddy will fuck his daughter during a lunch break during work or shortly after leaving work for the day.

This doesn't necessarily mean that is all we will do during our encounter, but it will at least be the finishing end of things. Regardless, Daddy will be telling you what to do and how to do it. Will be generous.

Please be:

-serious
-female
-ht/wt proportioned
-submissive
-love to get pounded in the ass

Hope to hear from you.

Birdparty wrote:

Hi Daddy,

I saw your ad and I was so happy that my Daddy is calling me home. What kind of a sofa do you have? I only have a futon so you may have to host. I can braid my pigtails like Heidi if you like. And you'll give me my allowance after? I promise I'll be a very good girl.

H J wrote:

What kind of allowance are you looking for?

Birdparty wrote:

My allowance depends on Daddy. How good do I have to be? And I hope you won't make me mow the lawn and do the dishes like my real daddy did after mommy died. I think money to buy myself a few sweets every week would be enough.

I attached my pic.

Birdparty: a real catch

H J wrote:

For the record... my younger brother was sent the same picture that you sent to me, in Tampa, FL... under the exact same email address.

Stop trying to collect pics you fucking pervert.

Birdparty wrote:

It is not pics that I collect, it is perverts, like you and your brother. Any man who wants to have anal sex with a girl in pigtails for money and pretend she is his daughter is the real pervert here. What kind of a childhood did you and your brother have that drove you to these lengths to get off? Clearly you cannot have a functional sexual relationship with a woman. I bet you're both impotent because Mommy breastfed you for too long. Or maybe you both raped your little sister?

H J wrote:

My little brother was sent that picture for a Terri Schiavo fantasy, at the posters' request. How do you explain that one?

Bottom line - you are pretending to be someone and something that you are not. Everyone has fetishes and fantasies... I have MANY functioning sexual relationships with many women. You're the fucking wierdo sending around a someone else's picture.

Poison Passion

2005-04-18T07:22:00.000-07:00

Leaves in threes? Birdparty removes her panties!

Summer is near and I want a poison pussy - w4m - 29
Reply to: anon-68187413@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-04-12, 11:04PM EDT

My proposal: you go out to the woods, get a poison ivy rash all over your cock and balls and then fuck me, infecting me with your poison glory. I have had this fantasy since I was 11 years old and it’s time to live it out!

Please only contact me if you already have poison ivy on your member or plan to acquire it within a day or two. Also send pics.

Serious replies only.

"Getting poision ivy on my penis gets me hot"

brandonmichael wrote:

I will go get it tomorrow. You have a pic
brandonmichael

Birdparty wrote:

Will you really infect your penis with poison ivy or are you just so desperate for pussy you'll agree to anything?

If we get together and you don't have poison ivy on your dick, I am leaving immediately.

Don't even think about it!

brandonmichael wrote:

No I'm not desperate the idea sounds hot to me
brandonmichael

Birdparty wrote:

Tell me what about poison penis/pussy play turns you.

brandonmichael wrote:

The thought of me going out and getting poision ivy on my penis just to infect you gets me hot.
brandonmichael

Birdparty wrote:

I like a man who has lots of stamina and can fuck for hours. I find one good way to make that happen is to give a man a full meal before we fuck. Can I make you a poison ivy salad before we bang?

brandonmichael wrote:

I would like some of your salad. What is it like?
brandonmichael

Birdparty wrote:

My salad is yummy and delicious. Sometimes it makes your throat itch, but that just makes the oral sex and oral-anal contact all the more pleasurable. While your poison ivy cock bangs my head against the wall, can I rub poison ivy leaves in your eyes?

When Birdparty gets done with this dumbass...

brandonmichael wrote:

No leaves in my eyes but we can do yours

Birdparty wrote:

You'll love it in your eyes. Sometimes it causes a little crying, akin to the tears that onions cause. But it really increases your orgasming and is well worth the side effects.

brandonmichael wrote:

Ok
brandonmichael

Birdparty wrote:

Do you want to smoke a poison ivy cigarette beforehand? I can roll poison ivy into a tight little joint, and you get a nice buzz from smoking it. It really gets you ready for some hot sex.

brandonmichael wrote:

Sure
brandonmichael

Birdparty wrote:

I have a ceremony I must perform before having poison ivy sex. I want to lay some sweet ivy all over your balls and then set it ablaze and singe your pubes. If this is too much for you, I'll understand and we'll go our separate ways. If you are into this, then let's set up a time and place.

brandonmichael wrote:

Lets do this tonight
brandonmichael

Is that a poison ivy corsage?

Nature Guy wrote:

Are you serious? Why would you want that on your pussy?

Birdparty wrote:

I am serious. Are you?

Nature Guy wrote:

I never really thought about it. I could be convinced, I think.

Birdparty wrote:

It will be the best sex you’ve ever had. It’s poison ivy, after all.

Nature Guy wrote:

I am serious, but I have 3 concerns/questions.

1. Will the sex be unprotected? I don't have a problem with that, but would like your assurance that you're d/d free.

2. I'm concerned that the poison ivy may make it hard for me to "perform". If I can't then I won't be able to fuck you and I'm stuck with poison ivy and no fun! Would you consider other forms of transmittal? For example, via finger or directly?

3. Just out of curiousity, why are you interested in doing this?

I live in Fairfax, so setting this up should be easy since I think you said you were there too. Maybe we can go find a nice poison ivy patch this weekend.

You wouldn't love this all over your genitals?

Birdparty wrote:

1. I am 100% disease free. Clean as a whistle. You?

2. You will be able to perform. Poison ivy makes sex so much better. Your genitals tingle and it really brings you to next level of sexual satisfaction. It is also likely to improve your stamina, allowing you to fuck me with abandon good and long.

3. I cannot give you a concrete answer to this question. I am just really turned on by poison ivy. When I was a kid, I got it a lot, and I loved it. It is such a wonderful feeling on your skin. When you move it to your genitals, it is mind-bogglingly orgasmic.

Nature Guy wrote:

1. Yes, I'm clean. Do you want me to cum inside you? What about pregnancy.

2. I've only had poison ivy a few times, and I remember it wasn't entirely pleasant. I would like to fuck you good and long though.

3. Have you done this before? Do you know of others who are into it? Got any other fantasies?

Birdparty wrote:

1. Poison ivy usually kills sperm so pregnancy should not be an issue.

2. I can't imagine why you wouldn't like poison ivy. It feels like a sensual massage of your skin. That beautiful rash feeling is powerfully magnified when it's on your genitals. It also really increases stamina.

3. Yes, I have had poison ivy sex before. Sometimes it causes a discharge but that too is a glorious feeling. Each time some of that poison puss comes out of the genitals, it is like orgasming all over again. This is sex that can literally last for days as the discharge can take two to three days to clear up. But there aren't many long-term medical problems associated with it.

Nature Guy wrote:

I am still interested, on one condition. If the poison ivy is open (i.e. open sores) I'd be leary. The other question is when. I have plans Friday and Saturday and possibly Sunday. Sunday may open up. Would you like to meet for drinks on Sunday afternoon, maybe go for a walk in the woods, find some nice poison ivy, and take it from there?

FedEx me your Turds Part II

2005-04-12T18:59:00.000-07:00

The first guy who wanted to FedEx his turds has some competition

FedEx me your Turds - 32
Reply to: anon-62723771@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-03-07, 4:53PM EST

Hi -- I am a sexy young woman who wants a man to FedEx me his crap in a Ziplock bag.

I will repay you with my own shit or with some old fingernails I've been saving up.

Arthur Rainbow wrote:

Hi --

Are you still looking for someone to mail you their turds? I'm ready, willing, and able. -- Art.

Birdparty wrote:

Yes, I am still looking. What kind of turds do you produce?

Arthur Rainbow wrote:

I produce all sorts of turds. I just had some pistachios and a bagel coupled with last night's beer and some coffee. it was a dark brown (almost black) monster turd. I try to shit once a day, and if you would like samples of the various sorts of turds I produce I could send you pictures. With it being St. Patrick's Day and all, I could probably injest enough green beer to produce a green turd tomorrow.

I am not sending fecal matter to an anonymous person, however. Could you please tell me a little more about yourself? I am attaching a pic and I hope you will respond in kind.

When you care enough to send the very best...

Birdparty wrote:

I am a copy writer who has a thing for poop. I really wanted to get the Preparation H account, but I lost out to some hussy who fucked the boss to get the job.

In the spirit of St. Patrick's Day, I was wondering if you would wipe your ass with a shamrock and include that in your package.

Arthur Rainbow wrote:

Hot! I haven't pooped since St. Paddy's. Will use a shamrock when I wipe. Can I use an Easter Lily as well?

I'm really into poop. Are you willing to exchange sex for turds? That really turns me on. Have you ever masturbated with a turd? I'd love to fuck you in the ass while fucking you with a big hard turd.

I'll save tonight's shit for you. Send me your address so I can send you my present.

--Art.

Birdparty wrote:

Yes! Please send your turds ASAP! I need them. What is the consistency?

Arthur Rainbow wrote:

I couldn't hold it any longer. Here's a sample of what you missed. Send me your address so I can mail you one. --Art.

Where's the shamrock?

Birdparty wrote:

I am terribly upset that I missed your beautiful chocolate chewies. Next time put them in a Ziploc bag and refrigerate them.

You mentioned fucking me with a turd. That idea turns me on, but I need more specifics. How exactly would it work? Even when you have a nice hard turd, very solid, I don't think it would be hard enough to do the job. Wouldn't it just all mush up inside me? Is there some way we can calcify to the turd to ensure the proper poop penetration? Or do you have a better method? Please explain in detail.

Arthur Rainbow wrote:

The next one is going in a Ziploc bag. But I need your name and address if I am to mail it to you.

As far as turd fuckery is concerned, I figured that if you left the turd out long enough (perhaps by baking it in the oven) it would dry out enough to be stiff (think -- old dog poo it's nearly petrified).

If you wanted to frosty turd fuck, you could always freeze the turd, though it might thaw inside you and break apart.

Birdparty wrote:

You are a genius. I never thought of baking a turd into a dildo. And I have spent a lot of time thinking about feces. You sound like you are quite sexually adventurous and have a lot of BM tricks up your sleeve (or bunghole, as the case may be). Please tell me some more of your scatological desires.

Arthur Rainbow wrote:

An evil genius! Didn't you ever encounter really old dog shit in the park? It's like stone. I think about feces every day -- especially when I'm shitting or beating off. I don't want to tell you too much more. I'd rather show you. What do you say? Keep your eyes peeled. I want to send you a FedEx tomorrow morning.

Got Milk?

2005-04-14T19:36:00.000-07:00

Milk Man seeking squirts

Lactating laides look here - m4m - 24
Reply to: anon-68045628@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-03-29, 12:58AM EDT

looking to get with a lactating chick for some one on one fun - no sex - just suckling - plesae respond.

Birdparty wrote:

I can't even sleep through the night because my titties are BURSTING.

Jack Frost wrote:

i'm in new brunswick area - call me - 973 [deleted] - i come release the pressure for u

Birdparty wrote:

My nips are chapped from from breastfeeding. Would you be willing to apply Kiehl's Lip Balm #1? You can do so by putting it on your lips first, if you like.

Lactation lubricant

Jack Frost wrote:

ya sure - i'm like waitin to do all of this - its like a dream come tru.

Birdparty wrote:

Were you breastfed as a child and if so for how long?

Jack Frost wrote:

i'm not sure - i dont have decency to ask my mother - but i am not looking for mothers to have this with(my mother). probably until i was 1 yr old or until i grew teeth and started biting -

so we gona do this or not? i hope ur not a cop or somethin - this isnt illegal activity - i'm kinda paranoid -

Birdparty wrote:

No, of course I'm not a cop. Besides, this isn't illegal or anything - plenty of lactating women do it with their husbands as part of foreplay. You shouldn't be ashamed of your lactation urges.

When I had my first child, my baby daddy at the time used to like to take my tit milk in his coffee in the morning. He said it was sweet and made him think of me all day. Once we used it to bake an omelet, and another time we put it in pudding that we served to our neighbors for dessert - they never knew a thing!!! Baby Daddy #1 and I had the best sex EVER after they left on the dining room table.

After we broke up, I was still lactating (I breastfed my first child until age seven - the more advanced pediatricians acknowledge that this is the best way to ensure you pass on maximum antibodies). One time, I sat in a car with a Republican outside of the local ice cream place known as Maggie Moo's and lactated all over his Thomas Pink shirt. It was destroyed but he said it was well worth it.

Lactation central

Jack Frost wrote:

i want to sit in that car you squeeze your milk all over my shirt too - soak me all over - how much milk is there

Birdparty wrote:

There are at least several gallons of my milk.

I believe it is every mother's duty to breastfeed her child. My exes who were into breastfeeding were bottle fed formula babies. I would be curious to know if you were as well. Do you have any siblings you could ask?

Just on a side note, you don't have braces do you?

Jack Frost wrote:

no i'm a single son of a happy mother/father couple - i am an indian national whos family follows strict rules - feeding ususally stops as soon as the teeths come out - and no i dont have braces and i dont bite - i have teeth but i know how to use them - i'm a vegitarian :) so i promise not to bite (else i'd be non-veg)

call me - 973 [deleted]-

Birdparty wrote:

Oh, I wasn't aware that Indians were so strict with breast feeding. Was her milk curry flavored at all from all the spices in her diet? Are Indians very aggressive about toilet training as well? That could explain their relative success compared to the lazier minorities in the United States. I read that somewhere that Mexicans breastfeed till age 13 sometimes.

Does your mother wear a dot on her head? If you'd like, I can put a bindi dot between my eyes if it will make you feel more at home while you suckle.

You're not a vegan are you? Because if so, we are going to have to call this whole thing off. I am not going to come between you and enlightenment.

Jack Frost wrote:

no i'm not vegan - my mom does wear a dot on her head - can you put one on the boob? then i will feel at home - toilet training is strict also - its all disciplined -

To make him feel at home...

are u sure u want to do this? ur teasing me - i'm like so excited about this - i feel like i want to do this in the next 2 hours and meet up regularly afterwards.

Birdparty wrote:

I am sure I want to do this. There is nothing I would like more than to have my throbbing mammaries drained. I would be willing to milk myself during the day, and outsource my milk to you via courier for a tasty mid afternoon snack.

Jack Frost wrote:

thats kewl - do you need my address for courier - tell me - i want to squeeze the udder -

Jack Frost nipping at your udders

Birdparty wrote:

I need to know if you are really into this lactation fantasy of mine or just pulling my chain. You seem a little ashamed to admit it - or maybe you are just making fun of me with friends, posting it on a blog called birdparty to mock me and my mammaries. Please tell me about why you want to breastfeed, where this desire came about, how you want to act it out, and I will start making home-baked cookies for you to dip in my luscious creamy milk. We're just mammals after all.

Jack Frost wrote:

ok i see your point - no i'm not here to mock - i do have this fantasy - i have several movies of this on my laptop (lactation) - i go out of my way to download this - its fun to watch and i want to know what it taste like - i dont drink regular milk but i think i would drink a gallon of yours - its also partially sexual - i love sucking on boobs, i would suck harder if there was something that came out of it -

i dont know - i wached some porno movie when i was like 12 where some girl sucked out all of this other girls milk and it was all over - so that was my turning point - then i just stayed low until i found it on yahoo groups - so i'm activly seeking partners.

i do understand it would be kind of 'wrong' to let me suck on ur boobitas if ur married, or at least, a stranger on ur boobies would be weird and strange - but i mean, we can avoid that 1 minute of uncomfortableness for some pleasure -

i'm an easy going person -i usually agree with the majority and believe in geting things done - i am not an immature person - i am not coming there to see your boobies - i could do that at the local GoGorama (strip club) - i would just like to try this out - we'll both like it - i mean, i can milk u and u can milk me if u want :p

Birdparty wrote:

OK, Jack, now that I know you are for real, I need to let you in on my motive for being involved in lactation play. I am very turned on by squirting my milk onto men and in their faces. Would you like me squirt some into your eyes and up your nostrils? My nips are both pierced, so sometimes my aim is a bit off, but that makes milk shower all the more exciting. I have found that breast milk works great as a conditioner and I'd like to wash your hair and then condition it in my milk.

Jack Frost wrote:

urgh! ur giving me an errection telling me this - haha - well thats kewl - u still havent told me where you live and when we'r meeting up nor have you sent me ur pic -

i'm about to make a date with this girl that works on my floor for tonite and mayb we can do this tomorrow morning/afternoon?

im ready to let you do any kind of lactation fetish me and you can work on - i promise to be a good person to deal with - and i think in the long run, we'll be good friends - i will make sure i will bring some jokes to make u laugh and figure out a way to tickle you so u laugh if my jokes arent funny :p

so where are you located? i'm in central NJ - how soon do u think we'r gona do this? i'm just aksing u this and being very impatient b/c i'm so excited about the milk thing - i cant believe i will be the guy who's geting milk sprayed on his face -

Birdparty wrote:

I was out of the office this morning at a doctor appointment. He can't believe that I am still breast feeding my nine year old, but I assured him that I would be soon stopping that. I derive such pleasure from breastfeeding though that I can actually have orgasms and I am unwilling to give this up. I have decided that you are the perfect man with whom to share my milk. Are you lactose intolerant? I hope not.

Jack Frost wrote:

no i'm not lactose intolerant. ur feeding ur 9 yr old? uh whoa!

so u hafta send me ur picture and location. btw, whats ur name?

Birdparty wrote:

My name is Gloria. I don't have a picture right now on my work computer. I think somewhere that serves chocolate chip cookies would be the best place to meet. I will bring a traveling coffee cup full of my mammary juices for you to enjoy on the side. Any suggestions for a place?

Jack Frost wrote:

ya definetly. i'm gona be facinated with ur juice. i'm thinking i am more into seeing u take out milk or let me do it - but i am not sure how you feel about an unknown doing that to you.

there are bakery's in NJ that will have chocolatechip cookies and more. In New Brunswick there are plenty... and starbucks also serves them.

Birdparty wrote:

Would you like to watch me milk myself with a breast pump? I recent purchased one on sale. I could bring it along. I'm not sure its allowed in Starbuck's, but they are fairly liberal.

One-stop shop for all your lactation supplies

Jack Frost wrote:

but would we get in trouble at a starbuck - i guess we can chill at a park or some public place in the car or something - mayb we can get a hotel room next time around - me n u both have to think if its worth it - we will see -

so when ? today? tomorrow?

Birdparty wrote:

Would you mind calling me Mommy while you suckle?

Jack Frost wrote:

sure mommy :p

so where are you? call me - i wanna do this tonight - 973 [deleted] - call my cellphone.

Knives and edgeplay: "sexy-insane fun!"

2005-04-10T06:09:00.000-07:00

It's time to turn the knives on a desperate man

Knife Throwing - w4m - 27 (mission district)
Reply to: anon-64132262@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-03-16, 7:19PM PST

I am a hot and horny young woman with kind of a weird fetish...knife throwing. I recently moved to the Bay Area and I am looking for a guy to have some knife-throwing fun with.

Here's what I want: you stand against the wall, in your place or mine, and I throw knives in your direction. I can get them within one inch of your head, shoulders, elbows, fingers and crotch without so much as a scratch. I have been practicing for a while and I never miss. I have only had two guys let me throw knives at them since I left Indiana.

I want to throw knives at you. Let me know if you are man enough for the job.

Jeffrey likes being hunted like a wild bear

Jeffrey wrote:

I'm just a cool dude... have a rocking personality, sense of humor, athletic, driven... will definitely challenge your skills if you dare! I've never thought about Knife throwing as a turn on.. but now that you bring it up... i'm totally in the mood to cause a lil trouble... and from reading your post it sounds like you are, too!

I'd love to meet someone fun, sassy and intelligent fun, games, playtime and intellectual intercourse..

Birdparty wrote:

You sound like the guy for me. You are really willing to let me throw knives at you?

What about gunplay? Can I also fire my glock in your direction? I am quite a markswoman.

Jeffrey wrote:

if you have a glock... your defintely my kinda girl... BUT i get to shoot back, as i'm no slouch on the range either.... But now you have to dare to tell me much more about you... as you seem interesting, to say the least...

Extra credit, and maybe spanking, if you can ID the rifle in this pict :)

Sodomy and semi-automatic weapons: Welcome to Gomorrah!

Birdparty wrote:

No, I don't know what kind of rifle that is.

I am not going to shoot you, just shoot at you. Then I want to throw some knives in your direction. If you're feeling frisky maybe I could take the business end of that firearm and insert it into your bunghole.

Jeffrey wrote:

hmmmm.. so you are either REALLY wacked or really frisky... what really sucks is to find one, i have to tolerate bumping into the other. so tell me a lil more... especially about the knife tossing... where did you pick that up? not common for most women... and being a markswoman is just as rare.. i might let you put a firearm up my ass -- IF the safety is on.

heres a butt shott

The butt of a gun up the butt of an idiot?

Birdparty wrote:

Hi Jeffrey -- I really liked your pics. They are very sexy. I am including one of my own. (I'm sorry, though, I don't have any butt shots. I nonetheless enjoyed yours.)

I picked up knife tossing from my great uncle Rastas. When we were little, he used to line all my siblings and cousins up against his mobile home and throw knives at us. He never hurt any of us, except when he sliced off part of cousin Chrissy's left earlobe. But she was a bitch and deserved it, so no one minded. Even the sheriff agreed not to press charges. Uncle Rastas never had another accident over the next 15 years he kept throwing knifes at people. I learned a lot from him.

Christopher at Christmas: carving the turkey?

Christopher wrote:

Dear Tossing Girl,

I'm not sure whether knife throwing is one of the hottest ideas I've ever heard or one of the worst... I like edgeplay, and that certaintly qualifies!

-Christopher

Birdparty wrote:

Tell me more about your experience with edgeplay. I have never met anyone else before who sees how erotic throwing knives can be.

Christopher wrote:

My definition of edgeplay probably deviates from the standard. I think of it as anything that puts one or both parties WAY out of their comfort zone and wouldn't even register as something likely to be a fetish in most peoples minds.

My experiences?

Sex outdoors at gunpoint. Being held underwater forcibly during oral. Full on fighting before/during sex. Cutting.

Others: asphixiation, rape fantasies, skydiving, the inclusion of fire.

The common factor, again, is to put you way they hell outside your comfort zone.

There is a secondary attraction to it, I suppose, in the showmanship aspect to it. I love to make a scene actually a "scene", and again... there is something about the carnival allure that falls into that catagory with thrown knives.

-Christopher

Birdparty wrote:

You had sex outdoors at gunpoint? That sounds really hot. Would you mind giving me a few more details about it? I'd like a blow-by-blow if possible.

I completely agree about the carnival aspect of it. That is exactly what turns me on. Would you be willing to let me staple your scotrum to your leg? I had a boyfriend for a while who was into that, and boy was it hot.

Christopher wrote:

It was really hot... but a blow-by-blow? Wouldn't that take some of the mystery out if it? Without going into great detail, let me say that there is just something about a girl in combat boots and shorts being forceful with a gun to my temple...

Staple... ouch... sorry, gotta go with a definite maybe on that one! Let me think about it.

-Christopher

Birdparty wrote:

Hi Christopher -- I use ginsu knives and I have even given a few girlfriends of mine haircuts with the knife. I even tried to set up a ginsu knife hair salon, but I could not obtain the proper licenses, so I gave up the idea.

Would you be willing to let me fellate you while I hold a spear to your throat? God, that is really hot.

Gloria

Birdparty wrote:

Dear Gloria,

I am really turned on... I'm a guy who gets off on power exchange and sharp things. You're obviously a touch dangerous.

As to the ginsu-haircut idea... hmm... do you really still want to do that? I like to think of myself as someone who makes things happen. While business permits aren't my specialty, it would be an interesting side-quest to my current situation to look into it for you if you like.

When would you like to meet? My phone number is (916) [deleted]. I'm a Sacramento transplant-- that's the explanation of the (916). I'm free much of the time-- I am gainfully employed (more or less) but make my own hours.

-Christopher

Birdparty wrote:

If you'd like, you can take me to a nice dinner and I can beat you about the head and buttocks with your filet minion -- inflicting pain and a good bit of public humiliation on you.

After we leave the restaurant, I want to affix a nipple clamp onto you, attach the other end to the Muni, and have you dragged down the street by your nips.

Christopher wrote:

Dear Gloria,

Generally I pass on overtly public play (Power Exchange or Burning Man being possible exceptions), though d/s play done covertly (semi covertly? almost obvious?) would definitely be a new realm of exciting things for me.

Being beaten with food -- now that's unique! Not my first choice, but I won't object if it does something for you.

All this is really hot. Damn I'm ready to get started!

-Christopher

Birdparty wrote:

Do you want me to set my hair on fire?

Christopher wrote:

I imagine you have something unique in mind for that, so I'll go with yes! Don't be too put off if I'm a touch of a spoilsport and keep a bucket of water handy to put it out should it get out of control and actually threaten to harm you. I know its slightly less hair-raising that way, but precautions ensure you will be around for future sexy-insane fun!

Republican wonk seeks hippie democrat to jerrymander

2005-02-08T10:28:00.000-08:00

Republican Wonk

Republican wonk seeks hippie democrat to jerrymander
Reply to: anon-37062273@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-07-07, 5:46PM EST

Arch conservative here looking for a hippie chick for some discrete banging. Me: hot, horny, BMW-driving, pro-war, tax-cut-loving, social conservative and a big fan of Bush (the president and yours). You: Nader-loving, pot-smoking hippie girl who loves to fuck with abandon and can go all night long. I guarantee and I can. And I guarantee I'm great in bed. If your interested, drop me a line.

From: Birdparty
To: anon-37062273@craigslist.org
Date: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 16:47:01 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Republican Wonk

“I guarantee I'm great in bed” -- spoken like a true Limbaugh-lover. I just got back from Bonnaroo and I am tired of stoned limp dick, but I can’t see any republican wonk letting me ram him with my vibe. Would you? If you can then you can cum on my unshaved bush. And I might even clear cut it for you if you treat it right. ;-)

I work in conservation and and I've talked to guys like you before. I'm fighting back on the phone and I can just feel my pussy soaking through my granny panties like the Exxon valdez. Tell me the coordinates.

From: Josh Winkster
To: Birdparty
Date: Thu, 22 Jul 2004 16:49:32 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Re: Republican Wonk

>“I guarantee I'm great in bed” -- spoken like a true
>Limbaugh-lover.

It's a claim I can back up. It's big, stiff, and I can keep it up all night. I guarantee multiple orgasms. I also have a very talented tongue.

>I just got back from Bonnaroo and
>I am tired of stoned limp dick, but I can’t see any
>republican wonk letting me ram him with my vibe.
>Would you?

Just cuz I'm conservative doesn't mean I'm not perverted. Of course I'll take it if it means I getto fuck your brains out afterwards. Of course, I'll be expecting you to give up your ass if you want me to give up mine. It's only fair. Can you take it as well as you give it?

>If you can than you can cum on my
>unshaved bush. And I might even clear cut it for
>you if you treat it right. ;-)
>

nah, leave it hairy. I love the natural look.

>I work in conservation and and I've talked to guys
>like you before. I'm fighting back on the phone and
>I can just feel my pussy soaking through my granny
>panties like the exxon valdez. Tell me the
>coordinates.

I've enclosed a pic. Take a look and then write back. Tell me what you are looking for. I'm free most evenings. Feel free to tell me more about yourself. Especially what you look like.
-chris

From: Birdparty
To: Josh Winkster
Date: Mon, 26 Jul 2004 13:47:59 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Re: Republican Wonk

Josh, I've attached my picture. I assume I am more than acceptable. You certainly are. I just have a few questions about you. First off, how many women have you been with? Just curious. What is your ethnicity? You look kind of swarthy -- do you get racially profiled at airports? God I'd love to masturbate with an organic vegetable watching you get racially profiled at an airport. Then you can take a boxcutter, cut off my granny panties and fuck me in the boarding area. I will insist of course that you take off your shoes before boarding me. And then we could move to your beemer in the airport parking lot. I want you violate me in the back seat while I rub a deoderant rock on your balls.

My pussy smells like patchouli, Gloria

From: Josh Winkster
To: Birdparty
Date: Tue, 27 Jul 2004 15:54:19 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Re: Republican Wonk

>Josh,

Actually, my name is Chris. This is just a throwawayemail address I use when I'm trying to be anonymous onthe internet.

>I've attached my picture. I assume I am more than
>acceptable.

Yes, definitely. I could easily see myself cummingall over that face. I love the eyebrow piercing. Do you have any other piercings or tattoos I should know about? If you send me more pictures of you, I can send you more pictures of me. Just tell me what sort of pics you'd like to see.

>You certainly are.

Thanks. I'm not even all the photogenic. I come off much better in person.

>how many women have you been with?

7 to 10 depending on your definition of 'been with'. I'm sure that isn't a lot compared to you with your free love ways. I bet you get around. How many men have you been with? And how many women?

>What is your ethnicity?

Half Italian, half German.

>You look kind of swarthy

I think I just need a better digital camera. I'm not particluarly dark in person.

>God I'd love to masturbate...

I love women who can't keep their hands out of their pants. I hope that you masturbate a lot.

>then we could move to your beemer in the airportparking
>lot.

I'd love to fuck you in my BMW. You could even suck me off while I'm driving down the highway with the top down.

>My pussy smells like patchouli,

My cock smells like money.

Questions for you: how tall are you? what are your measurements? what part of town do you live in? do you take it in the ass? do you have a boyfriend? when do you want to meet? I'm free most evenings if you want to get together ata nice corporate cafe like Starbucks to talk about our mutual interests. We can just talk the first time, with no expectations. You can email me here, or IM me at [deleted] or call my cell 703-[deleted]

-chris

From: Birdparty
To: Josh Winkster
Date: Thu, 29 Jul 2004 06:27:58 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Re: Republican Wonk

Answers:

height: 5'3

measurements: measurements? who knows their measurements? i'm not marilyn monroe here. i am a member of the DC statehood green party -- not someone who knows her measurements.

part of town: mt pleasant.

anal: yes, i take it in the ass but be gentle at first. and i need some enviromentally-safe lubrication also.

boyfriend: no. i used to date [a D.C. Statehood/Green Party activist], but we broke up.

meeting: when is good for you? we could go to starbucks, but i would prefer marx cafe. but if we must go to starbucks, i will insist that you eat one of my home-baked vegan muffins!

Tell me a bit more about yourself. I need some more details.

From: Josh Winkster
To: Birdparty
Date: Thu, 29 Jul 2004 16:29:27 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Re: Republican Wonk

>measurements: measurements? who knows their
>measurements?

Just wanted to get an idea of what you looked like. skinny, busty, fat, whatever. If doesn't reallymatter, I'm just interested. I want to have sex withyou based on your politics, personality, and kinkyness, not looks. But that pic you sent doesn't show anything but your face.

> part of town: mt pleasant.

I figured.

>yes, i take it in the ass

Great.

>but be gentle at first. and i need some environmentally-safe
>lubrication also.

No problem. Feel free to bring whatever you want.

>boyfriend: no. i used to date [a D.C. Statehood/Green Party activist]

I have no idea who that is. Is he in prison?

>meeting: when is good for you? I'm busy working this weekend, but I'm free any evening next week.

How about Monday?

>we could go to starbucks, but i would prefer marxcafe.

We can go anywhere you like, but I don't know where that place is. I'm guessing you don't have a car, soI figured a place you could take the metro to would be best. I figured the Starbucks next to Pentagon City Mall would be a good place, but whatever's good withyou.

>i will insist that you eat one
>of my home-baked vegan muffins!

Oh don't worry, you're gonna get your muffin eaten...

>Tell me a bit more about yourself. I need some more
>details.

I used to work at a nuclear bomb factory in SouthCarolina. After sitting out part of the clinton Administration in grad school I came to DC where I work in the military-industrial complex, and let me tell you, business is good. We're turning down contracts these days. I live near the Clarendon Metro, and I enjoy kinky sex with dumb hippie women. I'm not sure what else you'd like to know. I'm happyto answer any questions you want to ask, and I love dirty talk so feel free to get as vulgar as you'd like. I'm also better in person or on the phone than via email, so feel free to call or wait til we meet inperson.

-chris

MILF Tired of the Toilet

2005-02-13T09:19:00.000-08:00

Wouldn't a desperate man work better?

MILF Tired of the Toilet - w4m - 38
Reply to: anon-56387911@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-01-20, 11:59AM EST

I am a hot MILF and I want to drop a hot load on you.

Sound like fun? It is. Email me with a pic.

To weed out the boys from the men, I have devised the following questionnaire. Please answer ALL questions BY NUMBER. Please note specifically which question (by number) you are answering in your reply. Those who do not follow the rules will go into the trash can.

1). Do you really want to be pooped on? Or are you just desperate?

2). Would you let me drop a load in your face even if no sex were involved -- just scat fun? (You could masturbate throughout the process if you desire).

3). What was your first sexual fantasy?

4). Have you been shat on before? Have you ever used another as a toilet?

5). What are your doody fantasies?

6). If you haven't sent a pic -- do so immediately. If you have, please send another.

7). Are you only into scat? How do you feel about golden showers?

8). Have you ever had a sexual fantasy about a parent or sibling?

9) If you were a vegetable, what kind of dip would you want to be covered in?

10). If you could have dinner with any three people -- living or dead -- who would they be?

11). Have you accepted Jesus Christ into your heart as your Lord and Savior?

Dan wrote:

In response to your questions:

1. Not at all desperate; being pooped on is a very long held fantasy.

2. Yes, you can drop a load on me even if there is no sex involved.

3. My first sexual fantasy was of me & the next door girl playing in a bathtub full of our pee & poop, and of us together wearing a large pair of panties (facing each other, so my cock was against her pussy) in which we both peed & pooped at the same time, and then
played in it.

4. I have not been shat on. I have not used anyone else as a toilet.

5. I've described a couple of those fantasies above. I'd really like a woman to poop on my cock and then smear it in, or make me smear it in, and then pee on me.

6. Pic attached.

Geriatric Turdster

7. I love golden showers.

8. Used to have fantasies about my stepsisters, who were very near my age.

9. Blue cheese.

10. The Buddha, my father's real father, and Judy Kuhn

11. Over the years I've done just about everything of a religious nature one can do.

Looking4Fun wrote:

1) Yes, I really want to be pooped on. I have no trouble picking up girls in bars or in the workplace. However, they are not into this/I'm not comfortable bringing it up. I would like you to do it all over my body, in my mouth, etc. Everything goes.

2) You can absolutely drop a load on my face without sex. Yes, I would definitely masturbate while you were loosening your bowels.

3) My first sexual fantasy was when I was 10 and I wanted to have sex with my babysitter in the bathroom of my house. I didn't care how we did it, as long as I could give her oral (which, at that time, I thought was just called 'licking' :)

4) I have never been shat on before and I have never used anyone as a toilet. BUT, I have fantasized about it all the time for years and I would love to get into it.

5) I want you to crap on my face and have me lick you clean. I want to have sex, with a woman on top and facing my feet, and while we are cumming to poop all over my stomach. I want a woman to smear all of her poop over my entire body. I want to wipe a woman clean.

6) see below--it is attached

7) Golden showers are definitely something I'd like to try. I'd do the same thing I'd do with golden showers as I would with poop.

8) Never had one about my own, but I've had many about other peoples. And I would like to try heavy role play, having you as my mom.

9) I'd be covered in hummus. It is the mashed product of other vegetables, just like poop :)

10) Hunter S. Thompson, Tom Wolfe, and Truman Capote.

11) Sure.

Jake wrote:

1. My Sexual Pandora's box has been opened...so yes I really want to be pooped on.

2. Your body is your prerogative. But if you get so turned on by my masturbation or by your act, I would be happy to oblige.

3. Fucking my cousin sister when I was 5.

4. No

5. I want to dump a load on you while I'm sitting on your lap.

6.
Pandora's Poop

7. Well..I'm twisting this question around. I am into Golden showers..and I think I am ready to try some scat with you.

8. No But I enjoy fucking my aunt and usually women in her age category.

9. You know the special Hummus, the one with the meat in the middle...thereby, enticing all patrons.

10. Mary Magdalene, My cousin Suzie and Steele McLaughlin.

11. Yes I did when I was 16.

mr. coackley wrote:

1. yes

2. yes/ while i masturbate.

3. well my first, i had to be a kid and it was just to at least have sex.

4. no i have'nt i'm a virgin to this, i want to be broken in.

5. this one.

6. heres my pic.

Mr. Cockly on patrol

7. same way.

8. oh yes!

9. cream dip, i seem to like it more.

10. jesus, one of the moors of ancient times, moses

11. yes

Birdparty wrote:

Excellent. It was very nice to hear back from you Mr. Coackley (or Cockly, as I prefer). I enjoyed your answers and your pic, and I am providing a pic of my own. But I have a few more questions:

8). Who in your family have you fantasies about? What happens in the fantasies? How often do you have them?

12). Can I smear the shit around your face?

13). What about this turns you on? Why do you want to do be crapped on?

14). Would you prefer a runny or solid turd?

My pussy is getting wet just thinking about dropping a nasty load on you.

Kitty.

mr. coackley

8. well i believe i used to think about my aunt, but i was young then.so it was mostly just having sex.

12.yes

13. well it's something new, and new things just turns me on, and if it's by a pretty women like yourself i can see myself doing it.

14. solid

Ass Man wrote:

1). Do you really want to be pooped on? Or are you just desperate?

Yes I want to be pooped on, I have a girlfriend so sex isn't he motivation

2). Would you let me drop a load in your face even if no sex were involved -- just scat fun? (You could masturbate throughout the process if you desire).

Yes you could poop on my face. Shitting on my face would be fun.

3).What was your first sexual fantasy?

The girl I sat next to in 4th grade smelled like menstraution it really turned me on.

Also, I fantasized about a girl that sat next to me in 4th grade she smelled like poop and it really turned me on. I didn't understand it at the time.

4). Have you been shat on before? Have you ever used another as a toilet?

Never been shat on or used as a toilet, but I have used my tongue as toilet paper.

5). What are your doody fantasies?

To be shit on and to masterbate with it, basically anything involving a womans shit. just watching it come out.

6). If you haven't sent a pic -- do so immediately. If you have, please send another.

I sent a pic

Ass Man Seeking Tropical Doody

7). Are you only into scat? How do you feel about golden showers?

Golden showers are not my fantasy per se but would love to be pee'd on as well. It's tough to poop without peeing so it's part of the fantasy

8). Have you ever had a sexual fantasy about a parent or sibling?

I have always been attracted to 35-50 women especially a Mommy type woman. I have always been turned on by older women and a motherly type would fit that bill. I lust over some of my friends mothers.

9) If you were a vegetable, what kind of dip would you want to be covered in?

Ranch

10). If you could have dinner with any three people -- living or dead -- who would they be?

Eve, Julius Cesaer, Einstein

11). Have you accepted Jesus Christ into your heart as your Lord and Savior?

I am Christian

BeyondKink wrote:

1. Yes, I want to be pooped on. I have fantasized about scat play, have done piss play, but not scat and want you to drop your load on me.

2. Yes, you can drop your load on my face and in my mouth. No sex required, although certainly wouldn't turn it down ;) Would want to jerk off if no sex was involved.

3. I don't know if I remember my first, but an early one involved having sex with the neighbor girl in her back yard behind some trees.

4. I have never been shat on before. I have been pissed on and taken piss directly in my mouth.

5. I have a fantasy of a woman using me as a toilet and dropping her load in my mouth, making me taste it and teaching me to eat it. Also had fantasy of a woman shitting on me and smearing it on me.

6. sent one. Another is attached.

7. I am into scat. Have never had a woman scat on me, but have played with my own. Have desire for a woman to use me as a toilet.

8. No

9. Never a parent or sibling. Have had fantasy of mother next door type.

9. Chocolate. Love chocolate, although doesn't really go with vegetables.

10. Claudia Schiffer, Ben Franklin, David Letterman

11. Yes, I am a Christian.

scrape wrote:

if you find someone to do this with you, i'd pay you both to watch it.

let me know

tom

Verbal Diarrhea seeks Golden Showers

2005-04-06T16:11:00.000-07:00

Goggles would be more effective

Ex Smut Stud Seeks Yellow Love Juice Nurse Maids - 38
Reply to: anon-60862@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-03-10, 1:16AM PST

I'm a former adult actor and I can't cum anymore in 12 mph monster cum shot load buckets like I used to when I was in my jizz geyser prime in the movies. And so now my ultra erotic fetish is taking long hot pees all over ladies' faces and in their mouths. I'm looking for mature full figured women who are heavily into it, are used to the taste and flavor and like to bathe in, get hosed down and swallow warm yellow love nourishment. Serious GS fans only. Veterans or first timers welcome. No gays, poseurs or pros.

Birdparty wrote:

Hi -- My ex hosed me down a few times and I loved it. I am relatively new this, though, since he only did it a few times and we were usually drunk. But now I want to do it with a seasoned pro like you. Will you be my golden showers teacher?

Hank wrote:

Hi:

I'd be glad to "shower you the ropes" so to speak. I'm able to piss with a hard-on, which should make it all the more erotic.

I tend to consider it an act of love making, since I'm very sensitive bewteen my legs and it often feels like a long, hot orgasm when I pee.

Like to save large amounts, be sucked and swallowed while I'm peeing or give a shower in the mouth and all over the face from far away.

Tell me more about you. Maybe sometime we'll meet and trade love juices. I live in Studio City.

Peace, love

Hank

Birdparty wrote:

Hank, I'd like you to shower my entire body, with a focus on my face, in your golden love juice. I want it in my mouth, up my nostrils and even in my eyes. It stings but I love to see through golden goggles. Then I want to deepthroat you thoroughly and to piss-completion, with you ejaculating your urine down my throat. This will require a lot of volume.

Before we meet for the golden showers tutoring, is there anything I should do in advance? Any training or equipment I need?

Hank wrote:

Wow, what a kinky passionate response. I think this might be an ongoing, long-lasting oral sex food feeding affair.

I've attached 3 more pics. Two of me with girls, one hardcore, one a still shot and another with me on a rollercoaster at Magic Mountain.

Not a cloud in sight, but showers are ahead!

Mind you, I'm past my glory days. Gained weight and I'm about 6 ft, 190 lbs., 8 inches plus and thick.

Don't need any special equipment unless you'd like to drink my juices from a straw or a glass. I can also start and stop the flow so we can kiss and swap the yellow lust juice between us during our lovemaking. Condom only for penetration. But I am also VERY ORAL. I give as well as I receive. And then some. This is no hoax. I am no pretender.

I hope to bathe your face and body and fill your tummy with pee love.

I work online as a writer, so I'm busy a lot. But we can schedule to meet sometime in the next few weeks. There's a 7 11 near where I live in Studio City. But you have to come get me and then host. Is that ok?

For a profile on me and a list of my movies, follow this link:

http://excaliburfilms.com/pornlist/malepgs/Hank_Rose.htm [WARNING - NSFW: This is a link to an X-rated Web site]

I need to have you bathe in and swallow my piss. Every drop.

So bad

Lust Wishes,

Hank

Birdparty wrote:

Hank, I love your idea about drinking your urine out of glasses. How about a champagne glass? After your cork pops, we will fill up the glass with your kidney champagne and I will consume it with the style, class, grace and elegance fitting your glorious yellow love liquid. We can toast to piss, each with our own glass. Of course, I will also want to drink it directly from your piss fountain.

Picking you up at a 7/11 near your house and taking you back to mine shouldn't be a problem. Why do you need to do this? Was your driver's license suspended? It doesn't make a difference to me piss-wise, just curious.

Your bio was an interesting read. Are you still happily married? I want you to drain your main vein all over my face in either case.

What do you think is the kinkiest thing we could do with your pee pee?

Lusting for your Love Liquid,
Gloria

Hank wrote:

Gloria:

No longer married. But I am attached. So it would have to be in the daytime hours while my roommate has the car at work. She doesn't even know about my porn past or just how kinky I am. I retired from the biz in '98, so...

This kind of lovemaking raises my libido and lust to a crescendo because I never got to do it in front of a camera in my career. It's more of a turn on as an act of lust and desire when piss is treated as a normal love drink like cum.

You seem like such an erotic wordsmith like myself. Do you have a career in the literary field? I got my start in the blow biz as a writer and was published long before my adult days. I'm currently writing my memoirs. Maybe you can help me.

Of course I'd be open to toast one another and return the flavor. I love to consume or get wet with any and all juices that come from a vagina. No matter how full my bladder is, I like to extend longlasting yellow lovemaking by taking it slow and milking the sessions for as long as possible.

In a sense I believe piss love is the most profound form of love that there is.

Golden highlights, at least

I have a very strong prostate and a very sensitive pee hole that makes pissing feel like an orgasm at times. In my porn glory days, I used to literally piss cum at my best. Now I can't do it anymore, so pissing piss is that much more satisfying because it lasts longer.

The heat and warmth of piss love can bring on an almost ethereal emotional security that two people can share. If you gargle, drip and drool my piss, play nasty oral games with it and treat it as a form of sex food or beverage you'll steal my heart and we'll probably create an unbreakable bond beyond love and sex.

When I'm drinking a female I like to stick my tongue in her pee hole as it exploads and showers me. What is your piss-showering drink of choice?

Hope you like Gatorade. Before we meet I'll be sure to drink at least half a gallon to prepare for our piss love worship. I can't wait.

Yellow Love & Lust,

Hank

Birdparty wrote:

Dearest Hank --

I just got back from some Easter festivities. Egg hunts and chocolate bunnies are all fun and nice, but the whole time all I could really think about was being a bladder bunny, hopping around in search of some steaming hot wee wee.

Does asparagus make your pee smell? It gave my ex-boyfriend's piss a nice musty scent that drove me wild. I liked for him to empty out his asparagus nectar all over my bush. After creating a pussy/piss swamp down there, he would slurp up his asparagus waste water with abandon. Seeing him emerge from between my legs with a mouth full of pubes and pee made me so hot that I would temporarily lose control of my urinary faculties.

The piss I like best is the dehydrated kind after a night of hard drinking. I love all the concentrated glory of dehydration piss. The thickness and dark yellow hue make me wet, in more ways than one. Speaking of dehydration, would you be up for a little Terri Schiavo play? I would like to get some plastic tubing to serve as my feeding tube. We can insert it into my mouth and you can feed me all the nutrients needed to sustain life.

Waiting in Wetness to hear from you,

Gloria

Hank wrote:

Gloria:

Your passionate verbal abilities are starting to grow on me and win my heart and soul like a love/lust magnet. You're almost nastier and kinkier than some porn starlets of my jizz biz heyday. So in my mind that raises a red flag of too-good-to-be-true caution or trepidation.

Hank's jizz bizz heyday was clearly in the '80s

I'm as straight as can be sex-wise. But I get occasional gay poseurs who play cyberspace mind games, so I can be cautious. What I usually do is offer them a compromise. They match me up with the real thing and in return I link them to reliable X web contacts for homo dates.

However, I hope to God you're a real lady and I'm wrong in your case. My girlfriend, who just left for work before I started writing this, is a sexual babe in the woods. She could never understand or be mature and uninhibited enough to delve into my kind of unbridled lust.

If I've met my match in you, then I've been blessed with a kindred spirit so completely on my erotically intellectual and emotional wavelength that I find myself falling in love with you. Don't know what to say except that each steamy E mail builds my desire for you. If you are a legit female, then I predict that we'll be sharing yellow and white love juices for the rest of our lives.

I'll follow this E mail up with a brief sketch of my life story. Where I grew up, how I came out west to do porn and the Freudian and genetic source of my world class sexual addiction.

I am full of pee bliss and ready to share our bond of piss.

I love you,

Hank

Birdparty wrote:

Hank, darling, I understand your concern regarding homosexuals. I am even proud of your kindness to fruits trying to hoodwink you. But I assure you, I do pee sitting down (although I look forward to discovering more positions with you!)

I have a sex drive that cannot be quenched. Hopefully, though, you'll be able to quench my piss thirst. Your tolerance and even passion for homos in heat, however, does make me wonder, did you ever go over to that side after growing tired of the skin skanks? I've heard a lot of heterosexual men did because the pay is better. In college, guys at bars used to buy my friend Pauline and I drinks in exchange for making out with each other. One time we ate each other's pussies under a table for some crack cocaine. I'm not a lesbian, but it was well worth it.

I guarantee you I am a girl and indeed I'm a Golden Girl. No, not an old bag in Miami, but a true believer in the power of piss. Do you want to create a wee wee wetland in my woo woo? After you irrigate it, do you want to drain it dry and harvest some of my pubic crops as you go? California is the number one agriculture producing state in the nation, and I need you to fertilize my Mojave with your Miracle Gro. My pubes are so hot they are beginning to burn like a wildfire. I need your hose to extinguish the blaze!

Yearning for Yellow,
Gloria

Hank wrote:

Gloria:

In my gut, heart and soul I know I have finally met my sexual soul mate match in you. You have a way with words that gives away what an extreme ultra nymphomaniac you must be.

Your passion almost brings me to tears and I do have a sentimental side. But I'm way too masculine a man to have ever remotely considered gay experimentation. I'm a dominant hetero male who can reverse role play with the right female. While I do believe gay people are reincarnated from the opposite sex and that they can't deny their past life sexuality, I am certainly not one of them.

I grew up a motherless child in New England and LA and made a solemn vow to myself that I'd become a world class lover as an adult to make up for the unconditional love I missed out on as a kid. When I'm old and on my death bed, they won't need to give me morphine. They can just show me my greatest hit old movies of various ladies eating my cum before I fade into the next world.

Because of my long lost missing mommy, I've put ladies on a pedestal since I was old enough to masturbate to Catwoman on the old Batman TV series. I've always had a taste for either older mother figures or earthy, kinky mature ladies who go to the absolute lust limit to express their love and sexual passion.

We now live in the beginning of America's end days. So sick, gross, sexual debauchery is a comforting emotional escape away from the political and religious fools who are hastening armageddon both here and abroad. So you are my Mrs. Sodom and I'll be your Mr. Gomorrah.

I would not trade a President's power or a billionaire's money for the kind of lust I could experience with a total love body fluid receptacle like you. What kind of vagina do you have? Be descriptive. Certain types with huge flower lips, wide holes and sensitive clits drive me crazy with lust. I get the same hunger pains Terri Schiavo must have gotten in her final days. I am dying to eat your pussy. The world may have starved Terri, but we'll feed each other and show them the meaning of liquid love.

Hot piss and warm cum regards,

Hank

Birdparty wrote:

Dearest Hank,

Hearing about your motherless childhood was touching and nearly brought a tear to my eye. I can serve as your surrogate piss mother, with you suckling my bush beverage and I guzzling your dick drink through a sterilized feeding tube, hydrating me with such volume that my internal organs are drowning.

You asked for descriptive detail about how my vagina looks. Instead of just telling you about its appearance, I want to take you on a journey through it. Entering my pussy palace is like taking a journey into the rain forest. Moist, wet, and deep, it supports a variety of life forms. My hair is lush like the vines of a tropical plant, leading you to the petals of my flowering labia. Like the night blooming Moonflower, my petals unfold only at certain times. My sensitive bud awaits your pollination. Dark red in color, many bees have buzzed around my nectar, but it only flows like a water fall for you, Hank.

What about urine enemas? Will you piss up my ass to cleanse all that bad stuff out of there? Urine is the most pure substance on earth and for that reason I want to clean my dirtiest part with it. Can you fuck me anally and urinate the whole time, filling me up and turning my ass into a piss balloon?

Yours in Yellow,
Gloria

Hank wrote:

Piss Princess:

I need to play yellow mouth, pussy and ass house with your holes next week when my roommate's on the late shift. I'll take the day off and tell my boss that I'm piss love sick. That would give us 1/3 day of pee passion.

I'll pass my urine into as many holes as you want even though I have an oral fixation first and foremost because felching love juices creates the most awesome human bonding of all. We can mutually piss in a nice warm snug 69 position, timing the squirts of yellow love to fill each other's mouths in rhythm.

We both desire each other's love bonding fluid with yearning as our stomachs gurgle with hunger pains for the taste, smell and sensory happiness of merging our yellow orgasm lust glue.

Be my friend, my soul mate, my lover and my mommy. Please. I'm just a motherless child who became a man in porn when what I needed was a one in a million woman like you, Gloria.

When I pee, swallow it all, hug me, hold my hand and say you love me.

Hank

Swept off her feet

2005-04-04T16:47:00.000-07:00

Seeking feet to service in Nawlins

Foot Worship - m4w - 43
Reply to: anon-63280515@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-03-11, 8:03AM CST

I'm interested in rubbing....kissing...sucking your feet. I am available for daytime lunch (if you like) with me munching your feet. If interested in this experience as well, contact me...females only!

Birdparty wrote:

I recently moved to the Big Easy, but I have found big foot lovers not easy to come by. Your ad was so refreshing, as I am desperately seeking an effective foot lover. I like to have a man suckle my toes and caress the whole of my foot. I prefer worship of only My Left Foot; I like to have my right foot left alone. Will you properly worship My Left Foot?

Nawlins Man wrote:

I am a foot lover. Mostly I want to bring you whatever pleasure you desire. If its just your left foot that you require attention, then so be it..... I will give your foot the pleasure it deserves.

Birdparty wrote:

I have attached a pic of my feet.

The Feet of a Goddess

When my toenails grow long, I like to have a true foot lover such as yourself chew the nails right off. Would you would be willing to gnaw on my long toenails?

What do you like to do to feet?

Nawlins Man wrote:

I would do what makes you have pleasure. If its to chew your nails off with my teeth...then that is what I will do. As far as other pleasures....I can use my face as a face stool if u require. Will wash your feet..pamper in what ever way I can bring you pleasure. I can also be dressed as you require.....if u have something u wish me to wear...I would change into... Thank you for your foot pic.....it seems to be very goddess like...:)

Birdparty wrote:

I want you to eat the toenails you clip off with your teeth. I currently have a nasty fungal infection under my toenails; this isn't a problem is it? It is not very contagious. That's part of why I want you to nibble at my toenails -- it feels so good on my festering foot fungi. Will you dress up in a Payless Shoe Source uniform I have while you service my feet? Also, are you game for public foot service?

Payless for toenail clippings

Nawlins Man wrote:

I'm definetly feeling your very real foot desires. Your fungal infection I hope is not too contagious...though I may need to do some research. I would love to smell your foot, as some odors are very erotic. I'm wondering if your fungi is one of them. Also dressing up for you is no problem I'm 5'11 185# so large shirt..size 34-36 pants would be required.

Public foot service....is possible after we have played some and comfort level is achieved. We can maybe meet and I can massage and inspect...smell your left foot in a car meeting?

Hope to hear from you soon.... for your foot.

Birdparty wrote:

Given the size you described to me, I think you will fit into my Payless uniform nicely.

As for my fungal infection, it's really not that bad. It is under control but a tad contagious.

Please tell me how you got interested in feet in the first place. I find this information necessary for us both to have an enjoyable foot experience.

Nawlins Man wrote:

I have been attracted to this fetish for some time. I found myself getting aroused as I saw a womans foot. The thought of kissing, licking between those toes...and sucking on them real good made me very hot. I even think about sucking the big toe as it was a cock..trying to get it off. Also the aroma coming out of a sandle makes me hot. I could lie down while you rubbed your feet all over my face. I also think about inserting your big toe in my ass....and riding it. However I will do whatever gets you off....the hotter you get the hotter I get. What are your thougths.....sounds like we could have lots of fun with this...

Birdparty wrote:

I can see that you are as devoted to the foot as I am.

I really like your idea of sucking my big toe as if it were a cock and trying to get it off. You can get it off if you work diligently. As I told you, I have a fungal infection under my toenails and sometimes a lot of puss and other fungal juices build up in there. If you suck my toe properly, some of that watery foot fungus mix is likely to spurt out -- my toe cumming with delight. Will you swallow my toe fungus cum?

Some fungal foot odors are very erotic -- does this look like one?

Nawlins Man wrote:

I would allow for your cocktoe to spurt in my mouth and I would devour the foot juices you set forth.

Tell me more about you...

Birdparty wrote:

I work as a cocktail waitress at the Harrah's casino. I have been down here for about a year.

I became interested in footplay in the fourth grade. That year, our family dog Fluffy licked my foot one night while I watched TV. My foot started tingling immediately. I became weak in the knees and soon my coochie was starting to get wet. At first I thought there was something wrong with me, because a dog was bringing me so perilously close to orgasm, but then I realized it wasn't the dog, it was my foot. I used to pay boys in my class 50 cents to lick my foot until Mr. Fishpaw, the teacher, found little Dougie Johnson servicing my foot in the coat closet. We were both disciplined and after that the only person to lick my foot for years was my Aunt Flo. I am not a lesbian by any means, but foot love is universal. Flo died in a bumper car accident a few years back, but the memories of her sticking that nice big tongue of hers between my toes has always left me with a warm feeling.

But enough about me....tell me how you became interested in the foot.

Nawlins Man wrote:

Well, few years back I was really interested in submission play with a Domme. I was forced daily to lick her foot...I became very aroused when I started sucking her big toe as a cock. I found myself after that getting hard if I noticed a female foot in an open type sandle.

The thought of sniffing and sucking toes after they have been in a sandle for a few hours is just making me real hot. Its like a drug...I need to get a fix....I need to suck..lick...smell...feet. The nastier..kinkier the better...I love being forced to jack off on a foot then licking my cum clean off..

Toilet Slave ISO Chinchilla Heaven

2005-03-30T23:08:00.000-08:00

He prefers a frilly apron while toilet cleansing

Toilet slave at your service - m4w
Reply to: anon-65616605@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-03-26, 8:56PM EST

Fit, professional WM seeks to scrub and clean the bathroom of a lady in the dc area. i can provide a nice gift to you in exchange for cleaning your bathroom.

slave danny

Birdparty wrote:

Hi Slave Danny -- My toilet is very dirty. Very messy. Are you sure you can handle it? And what's the nice gift?

Slave Danny wrote:

hi, thank you for the note and yes, i would spend as many hours as needed on my knees scrubbing and cleaning your toilet to make it sparkle. i would gladly take you shopping or bring a gift that would please you. my cell is 703-[deleted] and i have a yahoo profile at:

http://profiles.yahoo.com/[deleted]

i am off this friday and have a new apron and $100 as a gift for you if you need me to clean your nasty toilet.

danny

Birdparty wrote:

Will you be erect as you clean?

Slave Danny wrote:

Yes Ma'am, kneeling by a toilet and scrubbing it is very exciting for me; i have a very frilly apron and would wear boxer shorts while cleaning for you if you wish.

Birdparty wrote:

I would prefer nude, with only apron. What turns you on about nude toilet cleaning? What if it's really dirty?

Also, could you please send a photo where I can actually see you.

Slave Danny wrote:

thank you for allowing me to see your photo; very nice. i have attached mine as instructed. there is something about doing something so nasty like this that it excites me. the dirtier your toilet, the better, and i would have it sparkling before leaving.

Danny: Toilet Slave

Birdparty wrote:

If it is clogged and shit encrusted, would that be a problem?

Slave Danny wrote:

no, that is no problem and i work as long as needed to unclog it. would it be possible to watch you use the toilet for my reward if i clean it good for you?

Birdparty wrote:

If the bowl is truly spotless, I might allow you to watch me take a dump in it. But I might not even have to poop when you are done. But if I do, you'll have to clean it again.

Slave Danny wrote:

to watch you take a dump inspires me even more to work harder. i will be glad to bring the toilet bowl cleanser, etc.

Birdparty wrote:

If I mess in my pants before you come over, will you clean those too?

Slave Danny wrote:

yes, i would wash them by hand until they are spotless. have you ever peed or pooped on a man?? that is a fantasy i have had for a long time but never realized.

Birdparty wrote:

Why don't you clean the toilet first? If I am not satisfied with the job, I will punish you by rubbing my poopy underpants in your face. Then I'll force you to hand wash them with soap and urine while you still have my mire covering your face.

Slave Danny wrote:

of course, whatever you say. if you are pleased with me, i can be a toilet slave for you as often as you need me and will have a gift for you each time i visit.

please think of me when you flush the toilet today,
Slave Danny

Birdparty wrote:

My roommate Mindy's pet chinchilla, who we named Toeless after he chewed one of his toes off, last night died in the toilet. It is clogged up with shit and he fell from the tank into the bowl. It was possibly a suicide.

Would you mind cleaning the dead chinchilla out of the bowl, as well as all the poop?

Toeless in happier times

Slave Danny wrote:

whoa, shit is ok but a dead chinchilla!!

Birdparty wrote:

I'd love have to have a cleaning Friday or this weekend -- the sooner the better. But we have a rotting chinchilla carcass we need removed from the bowl while it is cleaned. If you are not willing to take care of Toeless, the dead chinchilla, we will have to look elsewhere for
these services.

Slave Danny wrote:

i will be glad to come by this friday. To show my sincerity to serve you, i will remove the dead chinchilla before starting on the shit and toilet scrubbing.

Toeless didn't have nine lives

Birdparty wrote:

We are unable to use the toilet while Toeless is in there, so as you can imagine, we are in a bit of a rush to get things cleaned out. Would Friday work? In the meantime, I have dug a hole in the backyard and Mindy and I have been using that in lieu of the toilet. Things are getting a bit stinky.

We'd also like to have a funeral for Toeless. Since I already dug the shithole out back, maybe we can just add him to it and then fill it in with dirt, once the toilet is functional again of course.

I was considering planting some tomato plants on the shit/chinchilla grave. I suspect the combination will be an excellent fertilizer. Do you have a green thumb?

Please wear black, in respect for our pet. We are considering having a reception including appetizers after the burial and cleaning.

Danny wrote:

a chinchilla funeral will be something i will never forget; yes i have a sexy black apron and can wear that to show my respects.

Respectful and practical, yet sexy

Slave Danny wrote:

Mindy and I greatly appreciate your sensitivity during this difficult time for us. As you can imagine, Toeless was more to us than just 1/104th of a coat -- he was a member of the family. When he died, we asked ourselves what we could have done to prevent this tragedy, but we will never know.

You see, Mindy is Catholic and felt that Toeless did not deserve to be buried in the backyard with our other pets due to his supposed suicide, but I think even the pope would excuse this as an accident.

I am Jewish so as the chincilla is tattoo free, I have no problem with his burial.

We look forward to meeting a man as kind and generous as yourself. When are your times of availability on Friday?

Slave Danny wrote:

i will be on my best behavior during this difficult time for you and if there is chinchilla heaven somewhere, i am sure Toeless is romping with his bretheren even as we speak. i can arrive by 11 am on friday or later if you need more time for mourning.